Jersey Shore Family Vacation Recap: Ronnie Gets Busted, Goes on World’s Saddest Bender

Back in 2009, Jersey Shore became TV’s ultimate guilty pleasure thanks in large part to the willingness of its twenty-something castmates to put their various organs in harm’s way for our amusement (livers, genitals, irradiated leathery skin).

But will the schtick play as well now that they’re in their thirties and most of them have kids?

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro aims to find out!

If you watched last week’s episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation, you know that Ronnie made the questionable decision to take a braless Swedish blonde into the bathroom, despite the fact that he has a pregnant girlfriend waiting at home.

(Sadly, his roommates admonitions of “Raaahn, staaahp!” fell on deaf ears.)

Pauly D pulled a move that once would’ve been known as a robbery, but now looks something more like an act of mercy.

Ron and the Swede put on the brakes, but they were well past the point at which his girlfriend would’ve been cool with that transpired.

To his credit, Ron was overcome with guilt, so he dragged his drunk ass to bed and resolved to make things right in the morning.

Just kidding, he stayed up and continued to guzzle Ron-Ron juice with Snooki until it seemed like a good idea to drag their daytime drunk asses out in public.

Ron proceeded to make things even worse by 

“I don’t trust her for shit. I don’t,” he revealed. “So all I can do is act happy and be the best father I can be, and at the end of the day, I’m still f-cking miserable.”

Ronnie adds, “If Jen was not pregnant, I don’t know if I’d be with her,” apparently forgetting in his inebriated state that there’s a camera crew documenting his every word,

(He later jokes about “canceling cable” before the episode airs, a rare occasion in which a reality star actually acknowledges the fact that they’re on a reality show.)

In one of the series’ most darkly hilarious moments to date, Snooki drunkenly accosts some children, while Ronnie, instead of stopping her from traumatizing the poor kids reflects on impending fatherhood.

At that point, he and Snooks finally decide to remove their balloon crowns and go to bed.

Unfortunately, a few hours later, they’re forced to wake up and answer the question: do hangovers and yachts mix?

The answer of course, is hell no, but the two of them fare surprisingly well, considering they were pounding giant fishbowl cocktails in theme restaurants as the breakfast crowd made way for the lunch crowd.

Ronnie’s plight worsens as the day goes on, when his girlfriend refuses to answer his phone calls.

He lets out some aggression by taking a few shots at Mike “The Incarceration” Sorrentino, but for the most part, the rest of the cast sits this episode out.

The strange pacing is a testament to the fact that the guidos’ lives are simply less eventful these days, and as a result, producers are often forced to expand on a single storyline until it fills 60 minutes of screen time.

That’s not necessarily a knock on Family Vacation, so much as its an acknowledgement that its a very different show than the original Jersey Shore.

The good news (we think?) is that Ronnie and Jen welcomed their first child and they’re still very much together.

Hopefully, going forward, he’ll take hs family vacations with his actual family.

Watch Jersey Shore online for more hijinks from our favorite aging UV ray enthusiasts.

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