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Judge to Angelina Jolie: Stop Keeping Your Kids from Brad Pitt!

We interrupt ongoing speculation over Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s love lives in order to bring you factual news on their parental front.

Just about two years after they stunned the world with their divorce news, the A-List stars have amended their custody arrangement for the summer.

According to a variety of new court documents, the Superior Court of Los Angeles County has determined that “not having a relationship with their father” would be “harmful” to Jolie and Pitt’s six kids.

(They, of course, would be: Maddox, 16, Pax, 14, Zahara, 13, Shiloh, 12, and twins Knox and Vivienne, 9.)

The court writes that the offspring of this former couple “are safe with their father” and that it is “critical that each of them have a healthy and strong relationship” with both of their parents.

(However, it’s worth noting that Maddox is basically free to spent time with either parent as he so choose due to his age.)

Prior to this revision, Jolie had successfully kept her kids away from her ex-husband for the most part, as she allegedly believed he was a bad influence on them.

Now, however, a judge has threatened to strip primary custody from Jolie if she does not take steps to improve the relationship between her children and their dad.

To what extent?

The stars were actually ordered be on a phone call between the kids and two psychologists in order “to explain the summer schedule,” the documents read. 

Moreover, the actor will have physical custody everyone except Maddox for four hours a day from June 8 to 17 in London, where Jolie rents a residence.

Pitt must spend time with each child at least twice during the 10-day period with one of the psychologists present.

And Jolie will not be present during her estranged husband’s custodial time.

The documents goon to list other dates in June, July and August during which Pitt will have custody of the kids.

It even sounds like he will have them all to himself from July 21-29 in Los Angeles.

Family law lawyer David Glass, who is NOT associated with the case, tells People Magazine that this sort of legal intervention is unusual.

But there must have been ample evidence to show that Jolie really was doing a disservice to her children and to Pitt.

“It’s a rare case where the court will find that someone alienated the kids,” Glass explains, adding:

“It takes a lot to move the court past estrangement into alienation, but once it’s determined that one parent is alienating the kids, the court has no choice but to jump in and make pretty strong orders right away.”

This new arrangement even requires Jolie to provide Pitt with the kids’ cell phone numbers so that he may text them.

Jolie and Pitt separated in September 2016… and we remain in shock that this marriage failed to work out.

While there have been plenty of rumors regarding the relationship status since, neither Pitt nor Jolie has said much in public about their private affairs.

“This [divorce] has been a longstanding back-and-forth, and hopefully now there will be greater collaboration for the benefit of the kids,” an insider tells Us Weekly, concluding:

“The kids have always been a priority for both parents and hopefully everyone will comply with the court order going forward.

“Brad will be wherever he needs to be for the kids.”

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Jennifer Aniston Is PREGNANT WITH BRAD PITT’S BABY!!! (According to Ridiculous Tabloid Report)

These days, Jennifer Aniston is on the market, having recently ended her marriage to Justin Theroux.

Brad Pitt is not single, and is currently dating Neri Oxman, but will the internet let a few pesky facts interfere with news so fake it still stinks of the beluga and Smirnoff they serve for lunch at the Kremlin?

We think you know the answer to that question.

Yes, word on the social media street today is that Aniston is pregnant with Pitt’s baby.

While it’s fun to joke about every single nonsensical rumor originating in Moscow, it seems this report comes to us from Down Under.

Specifically, we can thank the Aussie tabloid Woman’s Day, which recently claimed that Brad and Jen are married, and has been pushing the “pregnant Jen” fan fiction since the days when Ross and Rachel were on a break.

This time, the report has picked up some added legitimacy thanks to OK! magazine, which made the baffling decision to run with the story.

“Jen: Yes I’m Pregnant — With Brad’s Baby!” exclaims the tabloid’s latest issue.

The piece itself uses the international language of BS to “report” on the story without ever stating a single fact.

“Sources are buzzing,” OK! claims, insisting that Aniston and Pitt are “finally on their way to becoming a family” while offering nothing in the way of evidence.

“During one of their romantic get-togethers that Jen surprised Brad with a proposal — to have a baby with her,” an “insider” contends.

“Of course he agreed.” 

Note that at no point does the source actually claim that Jen is pregnant.

The best OK! could do was find someone willing to claim that Pitt and Aniston talked about having a baby at one point.

The source went on to claim that the actors are “blissfully, if quietly, happy and planning next steps,” which doesn’t mean anything, and is not how people talk.

It might seem like we’re going particularly hard on OK! for doing what tabloids have done since time immemorial, but we’ve really reached the point where this particular rumor needs to be put to bed.

We know the tabloid media has a long history of pairing up celebs who have zero interest in one another romantically, but this magazine is particularly shameless when it comes to playing … OK! Cupid.

We’ll show ourselves out.

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Brad Pitt Introduced Neri Oxman to His Kids ALREADY?!

It’s only been two months since we first learned that Brad Pitt is dating Neri Oxman, but it seems the unlikely couple isn’t wasting any time in getting serious.

Some have even gone so far as to claim that Pitt is already in love with Oxman.

Brad Pitt Neri Oxman

Sounds rather hard to believe, given that these two only met in November of last year, but those who know them best say Brad and Neri are head-over-heels for one another and already considering what their next step might be.

So basically, no one is using the word “marriage” because that would be weird so early in a relationship — but unless their next step is planning an elaborate bank heist or something, that seems to be the direction in which things are headed.

Of course, Brad has a lot of important people in his life, and before he can pop the question, the new lady in his life will have to secure their approval.

Fortunately, Neri has already met George Clooney, so the hard part is out of the way.

Now she just has to win over Brad’s army of offspring, or as we call them, the little Pitts:

Brad, as you probably know, has a whopping 6 kids with ex-wife Angelina Jolie:

There’s Maddox, 16; Pax, 14; Zahara, 13; Shiloh, 11; and 9-year-old twins Knox and Vivienne.

“Brad cannot get enough of her and he thinks the next step is having her meet his children,” a source close to the situation tells Radar Online.

“She kind of wears the pants in their relationship, but Brad is totally okay with that,” the insider added.

“[Brad] tells his friends that their sexual chemistry is off the hook and that he is absolutely in love.”

We’ll believe a lot of ridiculous things, but we refuse to accept that 54-year-old Brad Pitt sed the term “off the hook” to describe his sexual chemistry with his girlfriend.

Anyway, there’s chatter that Brad has already introduced Neri to his kids, but nothing has been confirmed.

Meanwhile, sources say Angelina wasn’t happy about Neri to begin with, and she’s reportedly outraged by the possibility of Oxman meeting her kids.

The situation is reportedly made worse by the fact that Jolie is currently in London shooting a sequel to Maleficent, and according to the terms of her custody arrangement with Pitt, she was not allowed to bring the kids with her.

So right now, Angie is in full villainess mode while her ex’s new girlfriend hangs out with her kids.

We’re guessing she’s not finding it terribly hard to get into character.

We’ll keep an eye on the situation and let you know what develops.

With how fast this couple is moving, if Brad’s kids like Neri, she’ll probably be the newest Mrs. Pitt by the close of business. 

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Brad Pitt is Allegedly Shooting His Wad Everywhere!

According to two new tabloid cover stories, Brad Pitt recently got one woman pregnant and is on the verge of doing the same to another woman.

He seemingly has the hardest working sperm in show business.

First, according to Star Magazine, Pitt knocked up a “secret lover” who he met at an art exhibit earlier this year. She’s in her 20s, the magazine writes and… that’s about it.

The rarely-reliable publication doesn’t offer many details in regard to this claim.

It has simply published the cover below, replete with an amazing Photoshopped image of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston and the allegation that there’s some “DNA test” out there that proves this pregnancy is legitimate.

“This will be an absolute nightmare for Brad if her claims are true,” an anonymous source says, adding:

“After all the drama he’s been through over the past two years, he’s desperate to keep his life as trouble- and scandal-free as possible.”

Well, yeah. That makes sense to us.

Pitt, of course, is the father of six kids, all with Jolie.

And his ex-wife is “absolutely furious” about the situation, says this insider, describing it as causing “total chaos” in their ongoing custody negotiations.

“She must suspect that the woman is genuine or should wouldn’t be raging at Brad this way,” reads the article.

“Up until now, it’s just been all about their six kids. How he’s going to explain this to them is anyone’s guess.”

Previously, we heard that Jolie was also angry about Pitt supposedly dating Neri Oxman.

But do you know who else must be peeved that Pitt has reportedly impregnated some random young woman?

Aniston… considering she may also want to have a baby with the actor!

It’s almost definitely not true, based on the latest In Touch Weekly cover:

Jen & Brad: Let’s Have A Baby! the cover screams, following up on a myriad of rumors that insist Pitt and Aniston are back together.

You knew these articles would start coming out as soon as Aniston announced her divorce from Justin Theroux.

But the level to which many of these tabloids have sunk in their so-called reporting is rather sad and hilarious.

In this case, some insider claims that Aniston is “more determined than ever to have a baby” and “pals believe it will happen now that” Pitt is “back in her life.”

Says one friend who we’re certain absolutely exists:

“It’s like destiny brought them together, and I can definitely see them having a child together.”

Of course, they didn’t have a child when they were married.

And Aniston didn’t have a child with Theroux.

But, hey, whatever: this is destiny and it’s totally easy to see her becoming a first-time mother at age 49.

“He and Jen have talked about moving in together and giving this another try,” alleges another source, mentioning the use of IVF and concluding:

“This could all lead to her finally having his baby.”

FINALLY is right!

We’ve just been waiting forever for Jennifer to become a mother and we think it’s sort of selfish of her to not have done so already.

While we’re mostly just making fun of these reports in this post, Aniston turned serious last August, understandably reacting in anger to constant talk about the state of her womb.

“We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child,” Aniston said, responding to years of chatter about whether she’ll have a baby.

She added:

“We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone…

“Nobody’s right to judge someone else’s choices. No one knows what’s going on beyond the four walls of your home, of these people who are having or not having children…

“Everybody likes to get into each other’s panty drawers. Stay in your own backyard and let everybody live their lives.”

Seriously, just look down below.

Look at ALL the times tabloids have erroneously claimed that Aniston was pregnant. When will enough be enough?

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