Steve Bannon Steps Down From Breitbart to Spend More Time With Bottle of Gin

Throughout Donald Trump’s unexpected ascendancy from walking punchline to walking punchline with nuke codes, political strategist and oily sack of potatoes discovered in the back of the cupboard on moving day Steve Bannon was one of the president’s most trusted and influential advisers.

Of course, Trump aides have proven to have roughly the same shelf life as Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts, so it came as no surprise when Bannon was booted from the White House back in August.

What followed, however, was an unexpectedly abrupt downfall befitting a man who once favorably compared himself to Darth Vader and Satan.

Bannon delivered that quote to The Hollywood Reporter’s Michael Wolff, who’s made headlines this week thanks to his controversial book Fire and Fury, which details his experiences inside the Trump White House.

In the most widely-circulated passage, Wolff reveals that Bannon described a 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort and group of influential Russians as “treasonous.”

Bannon later attempted to walk back his remark, claiming that he only meant to label disgraced campaign manager Manafort as a traitor, not the president’s son.

However, the damage had been done, and Bannon soon found himself atop the Donald’s ever-lengthening sh-t list.

Of course, falling out of favor with the human throbbing forehead vein that occupies the White House means that Bannon has also lost the support of his army of alt-right trolls, and the race to cut ties with the man once dubbed the most powerful figure in American politcs began in earnest this week.

Yesterday, Bannon was unceremoniously axed from his position as head of far-right media outlet Breitbart News.

“Breitbart News has decided to end its relationship with Stephen K. Bannon, therefore he will no longer host on SiriusXM since our programming agreement is with Breitbart News,” reads a statement posted on the company’s flagship website.

Bannon attemptes to downplay the termination and paint it as a mutual decision, but there’s no denying that it’s a socking fall from grace for a man who was frequently referred to as “President Bannon” just a few short months ago.”

“I’m proud of what the Breitbart team has accomplished in so short a period of time,” Bannon said in response to his dismissal.

The move came as a surprise even to many within Breitbart, who reportedly learned of Bannon’s departure in the company’s Slack chat.

As recently as last month, the company was still publicly praiaing Bannon’s influence on modern conservatism and crediting him with helping to shape the 2016 presidential election via as host of his own satellite radio show.

“As I have said all along, everything I brought to the Trump campaign came directly from the listeners I spoke with every morning on Breitbart News Daily on SiriusXM’s Patriot channel,” Bannon said at the time.

A spokesperson for Breitbart has confirmed that Bannon will no longer serve as host of the outler’s popular call-in show.

No replacement has been announced, but at press time, the racist blowhard who’s always drinking alone at your local dive bar was still available for the position.


Jennifer Lawrence Is Bad For America, Claims Breitbart Douche

For decades, the September issue of Vogue has been a full-blown event in the fashion world, and being chosen as its cover model is regarded as one of the industry’s highest honors.

Jennifer Lawrence was granted that honor several times over this week, when the magazine debuted four covers for September issue covers, each featuring a different photo of the 26-year-old Oscar winner.

Hilariously, a finance and economics editor at Breitbart – the preferred media outlet for those who read the news through the eyeholes in their hoods – believes J-Law and Vogue have teamed up 

“We’re going to have to create a full #MAGA shadow cultural industry because the Opposition Media can’t even do fashion without attacking us,” John Carney tweeted in response to the image of Lawrence in front of the Statue of Liberty.

In a since deleted follow-up tweet, Carney argued that the photo is “clearly an allusion to our current immigration debate, taking the #poemlaw side.”

Yes, John Carney, the most precious of all snowflakes, is thoroughly triggered by the mere sight of the Statue of Liberty.

Carney’s hashtag refers to a recent statement made by Trump surrogate and Guy With Voldemort Living In His Head From the First Harry Potter, Stephen Miller.

Confronted with the fact that the poem inscribed on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty heralds America as a refuge for immigrants, Miller argued that the poem should be dismissed as it “was added later.”

Carney’s conniption over an actress standing in front of one of this nation’s most famous monuments is hilarious for a number of reasons.

For one, like Jennifer Lawrence’s hatred of Donald Trump is no secret.

If she wants to express her distaste for the president, she doesn’t have to resort to subtle visual cues on the cover of the fashion industry’s favorite periodical.

That would be the height of preaching to the choir.

On top of all that, Carney was thoroughly corn-cobbed by the revelation that the photo was shot weeks before Miller said his dumb thing:

John Carney Tweet

Yes, that’s Vogue‘s director of communications, Zara Rahim, tearing down Carney’s argument with six words.

The condescending “buddy” at the end is quite cherry on top.

So Carney doesn’t have a leg to stand on here, but a Breitbart editor arguing against media duplicity was never not hilarious.

John, you’re from the outlet that gave the world President Bannon.

Maybe don’t be so harsh to accuse others of spreading propaganda … buddy.


Milo Yiannopoulos Resigns from Breitbart, Twitter Rejoices

Milo Yiannopoulos is a douchebag of the highest degree. Just a terrible, terrible person.

After building a career on being reprehensible and bigoted and disgusting, it turns out that endorsing pedophilia was what ultimately crossed the line for his supporters.

"In the homosexual world particularly," Milo said in a recently resurfaced video, "some of those relationships between younger boys and older men — the sort of 'coming of age' relationships — those relationships in which those older men help those young boys discover who they are and give them security and safety and provide them with love and a reliable, sort of rock, where they can't speak to their parents."

In the same video, he also said "I'm grateful for Father Michael. I wouldn't give nearly such good head if it wasn't for him."

He's been seeing the fallout from those statement for the past few days, and now the backlash has gotten so bad that he's resigned from his position as senior editor at Breitbart.

In his statement, he explained that "I would be wrong to allow my poor choice of words to detract from my colleagues' important reporting."

But whatever his reasoning, the point is that his career is falling apart.

And Twitter could not be more excited.

1. Milo’s Statement

Milos statement
Milo did a press conference to discuss his resignation, but here’s the gist of it.

2. "This Decision is Mine Alone"

This decision is mine alone
You keep telling yourself what you need to, Milo.

3. Get a Haircut

Get a haircut
Solid advice, really.

4. The Dream

The dream
Hey, here’s hoping he fades away. Recent evidence proves we’re not that lucky though.

5. Not the White House!

Not the white house
It is a current trend for the lowest of the low to get employed there, huh?

6. Sorry, Breitbart Still Sucks

Sorry breitbart still sucks
Milo’s not THAT powerful.

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Milo Yiannopoulos Resigns from Breitbart News Over Pedophilia Comments (VIDEOS)

Milo Yiannopoulos — controversial Senior Editor at Breitbart News — is leaving the company over recently unearthed comments he made about pedophilia. Milo announced his resignation Tuesday, saying … “I would be wrong to allow my poor choice of…


Andrew Breitbart: Pundit’s Tweet Before Death Leads to Sex-Trafficking Conspiracy Theory

Back in March of 2012, arch-conservative media personality Andrew Breitbart passed away at the age of 43.

The unexpected nature of his death, coupled with his reputation for leveling wild accusations at high-ranking Democrats made for fertile ground for the sort of conspiracy theories that Breitbart so often espoused and propagated during his life.

The most common, of course, was that Breitbart was killed in an assassination ordered by a coterie of the politicians he’d spent his life antagonizing.

When an autopsy revealed Breitbart passed away as a result of heart failure and no evidence of foul play emerged, the theorists mostly quieted down.

However, Breitbart’s name is again in the news this week, as a result of Steve Bannon‘s appointment as President-elect Donald Trump’s chief strategist, so perhaps it was inevitable that allegations of a cover-up surrounding his death would once again begin to circulate on social media.

For several years, Bannon served as the executive chair for Breitbart’s eponymous far-right news website. 

His controversial appointment by Trump (Bannon has ties to both the white nationalist and “alt-right” movements.) came on the heels of the Wikilieaks release of thousands of emails sent by Hillary Clinton top advisor John Podesta.

In the minds of conspiracy theorists, Breitbart and Podesta’s names are forever linked, and the fact that they’ve both been in the news in recent weeks has revived interest in a tweet that Breitbart posted shortly before his death:

“How prog-guru John Podesta isn’t household name as world class underage sex slave op cover-upperer defending unspeakable dregs escapes me,” Breitbart wrote in February of 2011.

Sunday night saw an increase in Google searches and social media mentions pertaining to Breitbart, particularly on the micro-blogging site Gab, which was recently described as “the alt-right’s own Twitter” by Wired magazine.

“One of America’s best an most respected independent journalists at the time; he is making a very bold claim about John Podesta — back then — based on his own research,” former Huffington Post contributor David Seaman wrote on Gab.

“This is years before WikiLeaks came out.”

Seaman and others allege that Podesta helped cover up a child sex ring organized by billionaire and convicted child molester Jeffrey Epstein, who also had close ties to Donald Trump.

There is no evidence of a link between Podesta and Epstein, but Trump has praised the admitted pedophile as a close friend, stating on at least one occasion that he and Epstein bonded over their shared love of “beautiful women.”

A child rape case against Trump was dropped for unknown reasons earlier this month.

Many Breitbart assassination theorists believe the journalist was close to exposing Epstein’s connections to several major political figures, a scandal that they’ve dubbed “Pizzagate,” in reference to Podesta’s alleged use of code words in leaked emails.