Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump: Keep Kissing Putin’s Ass, Traitor!

If you were anywhere near social media yesterday, you may have noticed that the entire internet briefly set aside cat videos and celebrity butts in order to briefly focus on something slightly more important — namely, a US president just casually committing treason on live TV.

Yes, in case you somehow haven’t heard, the passionate bromance of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin continued yesterday, and it was different from all those other times an American president sang the praises of a hostile foreign dictator who was standing right next to him, in that it actually happened in real life and wasn’t part of some terrifying Orwellian nightmare.

Obviously, the hot takes were everywhere on social media yesterday, with just about everyone roasting poor Donnie to a crisp for essentially getting dominated by a powerful Russian on TV in what can only be described as a reverse-Rocky IV.

Even prominent members of the GOP spoke out against Trump’s embarrassing display of supplication.

Of course, if you’re wondering if any of them will do anything about it by, say, running against Trump in the 2020 primaries, the answer remains “hell no,” because ultimately, ceding control of our country to a corrupt superpower is a small price to pay in exchange for corporate tax cuts.

No, the task of usurping Donnie Despot will once again fall to the Dems, who will again be forced to rely upon a much smaller arsenal of weapons than their opponents.

While the Trump campaign will continue to enjoy the support of state TV and an army of Russian bots, whoever runs against the president will be forced to rely on old-fashioned tools such as “words” and “the truth.”

Obviously, those instruments didn’t prove very reliable for Hillary Clinton in 2016, but that hasn’t stopped the rightful president from continuing to take shots at the Ruskie-installed puppet that currently occupies the White House:

“Great World Cup. Question for President Trump as he meets Putin: Do you know which team you play for?” Clinton tweeted when the soccer tournament wrapped up on Sunday.

She followed that up yesterday with a succinct yet potent burn:

“Well, now we know,” Clinton tweeted.

And if you think Clinton is exaggerating, you should really go back and watch that press conference again.

Trump basically had cartoon hearts orbiting that fleshy tube he calls a head the entire time.

Of course, what’s really troublesome about the Helsinki summit is not what was said on camera, but what may have transpired behind closed doors.

But if you’re finding that thought too horrible to contemplate today, you may want to focus instead on the moment when Trump threw a soccer ball at his wife.

You know it was a weird-ass press conference when that instant of hilariously unathletic awkwardness doesn’t even crack the top five on the list of weirdest sh-t that happened.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna try and find out if we’ll need to buy new computers once the takeover is complete, or if there’s some sort of keyboard command for all those backward Ks and Rs in the Russian alphabet.


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Gennifer Flowers: Bill Clinton Harassed and Abused Me!

With all the talk of the current president’s rampant sexism, it’s easy to forget that 45 is plenty of company when it comes to abusive, misogynistic commanders-in-chief.

We’ve had a handful of sex-scandal-free administrations, but if you’re well-versed in White House history, then you’re well aware that a sizable percentage of US presidents cheated on their wives (including 50 percent of all Roosevelts!) or otherwise behaved boorishly toward women.

Bill Clinton, of course, is one of the most famous examples of this phenomenon.

Clinton famously tried to hook up with anything with a pair of X chromosomes over the course of his political career.

In today’s political environment, it’s tough to imagine Bill would’ve been able to secure the Democratic nomination much less be elected to the White House, but for some reason, whenever he turned out the Slick Willy charm and busted out a smooth sax solo, the public just melted.

One would think that Clinton would keep a relatively low profile in the wake of the #MeToo movement as conduct that was frowned upon that is looked at much more dimly now.

But Bill possesses the hubris of a character in Greek mythology whose fatal flaw is a tragic level of horniness.

Because he apparently feels that the shelves of our nation’s airport bookstores are tragically under-stocked, Clinton recently released a political thriller with the help of James Patterson, king of the raised-lettering paperback cover.

The novel is titled The President Is Missing — a title that no doubt has many Americans wishing it was a work of non-fiction — but based on Clinton’s tone-deaf promotional tour, a more apt title might be The Ex-President Has Lost His Effing Mind.

In one appalling interview, Clinton insisted that he does not owe Monica Lewinsky an apology, and he even attempted to play the sympathy card, whining that he racked up millions in legal defense fees as a result of his sexual escapades.

Not surprisingly, several of the women that Clinton had questionable relations with have taken issue with his claims of innocence.

One such victim is Gennifer Flowers, a former actress and television reporter who came forward during Clinton’s 1992 presidential campaign to claim that she had carried on a 12-year affair with the then-Arkansas governor.

Last night, Flowers sat for an interview with Fox News’ Laura Ingraham and revealed that Clinton savagely harassed her prior to the start of their relationship:

“Well, it’s very interesting because back in 1977 when I met Bill, we didn’t have the laws to protect us,” Flowers told Ingraham. 

“When I first met Bill Clinton, it was when I was sent out on my first story by myself after my training with my cameraman. He came out on to me that night. “

Flowers said she initially rebuffed Clinton’s advances, but he refused to let her be:

“I told him to knock it off. He proceeded to continue to come onto me for three months before I decided that I wanted to have a relationship with him, which at that point was consensual,” she stated.

“But in today’s standards, and in hindsight, it was definitely sexual harassment. I was a little bit ashamed to admit that because in a way, I mean, I felt guilty because I was a willing participant, at a point.

“So I felt guilty about saying that I was sexually harassed in the beginning. But it definitely was, absolutely.”

Flowers burst into laughter when told that Clinton considers himself a supporter of the #MeToo movement:

“He would say that of course, what would he say but he’s in support of it? He’s a huge abuser of the Me Too movement,” she said before listing several other women with whom Clinton had extramarital affairs:

“And I would like for the Me Too movement to be so kind and recognize myself and Paula (Jones) and Juanita and Kathleen (Willey) and many, many other women starting many years ago that have come out with claims of sexual harassment from Bill Clinton.

“They haven’t given us any respect as far as I’m concerned. We are the ‘Me Not’ movement is what we are.”

Harsh words. Ones that you can expect the Clintons to never, ever address.


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Hillary Clinton Would’ve Been Drunkest President in Decades, New Book Claims

You know how sometimes you have a rough week at work, so on Firday, you decide to down a few adult beverages to take the sting out of yout latest misfortunes and failures?

Multiply that feeling by 40 bajillion and imagine that instead of accidentally hitting “reply all,” you missed out on the chance to make world history and have your face on money.

Now you have an idea of how Hillary Clinton feels.

To be fair, Clinton seems to have dealt with loss of the 2016 presidential election fairly well, all things considered.

But while she’s maintained a brave face publicly, we’re sure the defeat was traumatic, and many never fully recover from such a crushing blow.

Perhaps that’s why supporters, critics, and media figures just can’t help but let their imaginations run wild when it comes to the methods that Hillary might be using to cope with the devastation of losing the presidency to a guy who’s previous foray into politics consisted entirely of losing what was left of his mind over a freakin’ birth certificate.

Throughout the campaign, Team Trump made much of Clinton’s alleged health issues, with some far-right pundits even going so far as to suggest the 70-year-old grandmother is a raging alcoholic.

Now, a new book by New York Times reporter Amy Chozick reveals that that’s far from the case – but concedes that Clinton doesn’t enjoy her cocktails more than most contemporary political figures.

In an excerpt from Chasing Hillary published today by Radar Online, Chozick claims that if elected, Hillary would’ve been “the booziest president since FDR.”

“Beset by stereotypes that she is a hall-monitor type, buttoned up and bookish, churchgoing and dutiful, but not much fun at a keg party, in reality, Mrs. Clinton enjoys a cocktail – or three – more than most previous presidents,” Chozick writes.

Clinton has referenced her love of white wine when asked about her coping mechanisms, but the comments are usually of a joking nature.

“It wasn’t all yoga and breathing: I also drank my share of chardonnay,” she wrote in her 2017 memoir, What Happened.

Okay, so Hillary isn’t wandering the woods of Chappaqua smashed out of her mind on a thermos of gin and tonics, like some folks would have you believe, but it seems she likes to take the edge off with a beverage or three at the end of the night.

Relatable, and probably much healthier than Trump’s McDonald’s obsession.

Even so, we’re starting to hope there’s some truth to those rumors about the Rock running for president in 2020.

After that last election, Americans might be thinking that compararitively young health nut is a nice change of pace.


Hillary Clinton Trolls Trump, Reads Fire & Fury at 2018 Grammys

In all likelihood, Donald Trump did not watch the 2018 Grammy Awards last night.

After all, the president kicked off Sunday by firing off a combative tweet at Jay Z in response to the rapper's audacious suggestion that the current administration hasn't exactly been a boon to minorities and other groups specifically targeted by Trump.

So unfortunately, the Donald probably missed out on a ceremony that kicked off with a politically-charged performance from Kendrick Lamar and didn't ease up on the timely commentary throughout. 

It's tough to say what he would have thought of the show.

Trump hates being criticized, sure, but not nearly as much as he hates not being the center of attention.

Perhaps that's why for most of the night, the shade was thrown indirectly, with artists making their feelings about the president clear without ever mentioning him by name.

But there was one moment in which the anti-Trump sentiment was made quite clear with the help of some unexpected A-listers and a controversial bestseller.

Fire and Fury is Michael Wolff's scathing tell-all about the Trump White House that basically reads like an in-depth exploration of the reign of Prince Joffrey.

On last night's Grammys, several stars read excerpts from the book, including John Legend, DJ Khaled, Cardi B … and Hillary Clinton.

Yes, Trump's biggest political rival dropped a savage burn in the pre-recorded segment, reading from a portion in which Wolff reveals that the president eats McDonald's because he fears being poisoned.

All over this great nation, the Happy Meal-starved toddlers of America are jotting down a solid new argument to use on mom.

Watch the clip below and stay tuned for news of a Trump coronary event.

Hillary clinton trolls trump reads fire and fury at 2018 grammys