Jersey Shore Recap: The Dirty Hamster Earns Her Nickname

Angelina Pivarnick’s brief stint on Jersey Shore Family Vacation was probably a ratings stunt coordinated by the show’s producers, and not — as it was framed — a brainchild of prank war champion Pauly D.

The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island injected some much-needed drama into the proceedings, but last night, she was told to pack her garbage bags and head back north.

Pivarnick’s time on the show ended in fitting fashion, by which we mean, it was kind of gross and forgettable.

JWoww was burdened with the unenviable task of informing Angelina that her time in South Beach was over, and the conversation was surprisingly — and somewhat disappointingly — drama-free.

“I’m not mad at all,” Pivarnick responds to Jenni’s revelation that the rest of the group would like to “finish as a family.”

“I was able to be part of something I always regretted.” 

Pivarnick isn’t exactly known for her way with words (“Um, hello!” has gotta be one of the lamest catchphrases in the history of reality television.), but we think she meant to say she’d regretted the way her relationship with the guidos ended, and she welcomed the chance to make amends.

It briefly looked as though Angelina would go out on a high note, but then she drunkenly sh-t her pants in the cab on the ride home and proceeded to not STFU about it for the rest of the night.

Never change, Angelina. J/k, please change your soiled draws immediately.

Once Angelina had been returned to the reviled borough from whence she came, the cast embarked on a vacation within a vacation.

A vacation-ception if you will.

Yes, for reasons that are never entirely made clear, the guidos head to the Bahamas, where the most interesting to happen was the big reveal that Mike’s abs are no longer shredded.

Just when we were wondering if it was too late to bring back Angelina, the show worked in a pair of subplots that might liven up the proceedings a bit. 

The operative word there is “might.”

First, there’s a poorly-acted scene in which Vinny’s mom is upset that she’s unable to get ahold of him, so she heads to Miami in the company of the ultra-pervy Uncle #MeToo.

(At this point, they should just show producers proposing the idea to these cameo characters, instead of asking us to believe that a camera crew just happened to be hanging out in the Guadagnino residence while Ma was blowing up the duck phone,)

Next, we learn that Mike’s girlfriend will be paying a visit to Miami, where Mike will obviously pop the question, because producers have been telegraphing that “twist” since episode one.

Join us again next week, where we’ll pick apart the Sitch’s proposal and continue complaining about how nothing really happens on Shore, whilst simultaneously acknowledging that we’d tune in for an hour of Snooki reading the phone book out loud.


Jersey Shore Recap: Return of the Dirty Hamster

Sometimes television shows are forced to slow things down a bit with what’s commonly referred to as a “place-setting episode.”

This is the term for an installment in which not a whole lot happens, but the stage is set for major drama to come.

It’s generally a convention of scripted dramas, but occasionally even reality shows have to lull us into a false sense of security before stabbing us in the belly with the guido equivalent of the Red Wedding:

Yes, Angelina Pivarnick made her not-at-all-awaited return to the world of Jersey Shore last night as part of Pauly D’s “kamikaze” prank war on his roommates.

You almost have to respect a guy who’s willing to ruin his vacation just so he can enjoy the pained expressions on his friends’ faces. Almost.

Anyway, Pauly was probably motivated less by his desire to reign supreme as the prank war champion and more by prompts from the show’s producers, so “Jolie” is back in the presence of people who can’t stand her and are often quick to violence.

Two quick observations about Angelina’s return to the show:

1. How hilariously staged and scripted was the scene where she first walks through the door?

Like, Mike’s reaction was probably legit, but the version of Angie’s swaggy entrance that we wound up was clearly the result of a few dozen takes.

2. Angelina is looking pretty good these days, right?

Sure, she still dresses like she should be serving Tony Soprano a Glenlivet at Bada-Bing, but she seems to have taken care of herself.

Anyway, the timing couldn’t have been weirder, as Pauly extended the invitation to Angelina during what was supposed to be a guys-only weekend.

It’s almost like the powers that be surveyed the situation, realized that the guys’ weekend was just as boring as the girls’ visit home and decided to take action.

Yes, you may have noticed that we skipped straight to the last five minutes of the episode in this recap, but what came before the return of Angelina was easily the driest assemblage of loosely-connected scenes Shore has ever offered up.

The girls visited their kids.

The guys yelled about t-shirts and returned to the club where everyone is half their age.

Ronnie didn’t cheat on his pregnant girlfriend, and Vinny wasn’t overly-friendly with any cocktail waitresses.

Pauly hooked up with a pseud-Sammi-lookalike, and Ron got mildly pissed about it, but that was about it in terms of drama.

Like we said, sometimes a slower episode is needed in order to pave the way for future installments.

But after last night’s snail-paced affair, we better be in for an old-school Snooki vs. Angelina throwdown next week.

Watch Jersey Shore online in order to get caught up on this season’s slightly uneven offerings.


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