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Beyonce Is an Evil, Kitten-Murdering Witch, Former Drummer Claims

Beyonce has been called a lot of things over the course of her career — a legend, an icon, a tasty hors-d’oeuvre for D-list actresses …

But now, it seems Queen Bey can add yet another accolade to her long list of honors — all-powerful witch goddess.

That’s the strange claim made in court documents filed by Kimberly Thompson, a former drummer for Beyonce who now wants a restraining order against the singer.

In the filing, which was first obtained by The Blast and later verified by Pitchfork, Thompson requests protection from Bey, claiming that her former boss has been known to use “extreme witchcraft” and “magic spells of sexual molestation.”

We assume “extreme witchcraft” is when you cast spells while bungee-jumping or something.

Believe it or not, Thompson’s claims get even more bonkers from there.

Thompson claims that during her seven years working with Bey, the pop legend manipulated her finances with witchcraft and even “murdered” her kitten.

Kimberly didn’t go into any detail on that latter claim, so we don’t know if Beyonce hit the kitten with an avada kedavra spell, or simply dashed its head on a rock the old-fashioned way.

Thompson is a highly-respected musician, and in addition to her time with Beyonce, she’s released several albums and performed with the Late Night With Seth Meyers house band.

That may be why her restraining order petition sounds like something from a rambling Fred Armisen improv.

Not surprisingly, Thompson’s request was declined, probably because judges are pretty much always skeptical about claims of supernatural activity, right until a couple ghosts they sentenced to the electric chair come bursting into the courtroom, a la Ghostbusters 2.

Unless that happens, we’re guessing Thompson’s complaints will remain unacknowledged by our legal system.

All kidding aside, a note to the Bey Hive:

We know you’re angry that Thompson attempted to besmirch your queen’s legacy, but please do not attack this woman on social media.

Our guess is that she’s suffering from some sort of mental illness or is at least going through a very difficult time, and threatening emojis from 100,000 strangers probably won’t help her condition.

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Meghan Markle Wants to Murder Puppies and Wear Their Fur as a Coat, Evil Half-Sister Implies

According to Samantha Grant, Meghan Markle is an awful person who wants to inflict harm on as many as 101 dogs, prior to using their fur as a very expensive and very inhumane coat.

Talk about a harsh accusation!

But it’s one that Markle’s half-sister made late last week as part of her latest Twitter rant against The Duchess of Sussex.

This time around, Grant took Markle to task for reportedly failing to wish their father a happy birthday.

And she did so on Markle’s very own birthday in an attempt to shame her publicly for her inaction.

“Happy Birthday Meg! It would be so lovely and appropriate of you to send DAD a BELATED birthday card for his July 18th [cake emoji] @KensingtonRoyal Cheers!” Samantha tweeted on Friday.

Earlier that same day, Grant shared an Elle article that stated Meghan and Prince Harry “are rumored to be taking a step away from the media spotlight,” writing:

“OK so Cruella Deville [sic] is retreating LOL…Let me know how that works out for you.”

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Cruella de Vil, of course, is the villain in the Disney story 101 Dalmatians

The name itself is a pun of the words cruel and devil.

In all versions of this tale, the glamorous London heiress kidnaps dozens and dozens of puppies in order tomato a fur coat out of their corpses.

She’s just terrible all around, which is the same point Samantha has been trying to make about Markle for months now.

cruela

For those not in the know, Grant and Markle share the same father, but a different mother.

They are 17 years apart in age and barely knew each other growing up. They barely know each other right now.

Nevertheless, Samantha has used every opportunity at her disposal to slam the heck out of her half-sibling ever since Markle shot into the spotlight as Harry’s girlfriend.

She’s jealous and she’s desperate for attention.

In mid-July, Grant told Markle that she’d be responsible for their dad’s death if Thomas Markle passes away any time soon.

(Thomas, rememeber, skipped the Royal Wedding due to heart problems and due to a scandal in which he got paid by paparazzo to snap pictures of him.)

In another recent tweet, Grant called Meghan, “Witchy Poo.”

Samantha also made a public plea for Meghan to reunite with their dad, saying on ITV’s Good Morning Britain last month:

“He’s very worried about her given the distance and the inability to have live communication, so he just needs to know that she’s well, she’s happy, she’s OK and to touch bases, so I hope they get to do that soon.”

This same father has also trashed Markle to the press, while claiming responsibility for everything that makes her special.

It’s remarkable that Meghan has taken the high road throughout these attempts at worldwide shaming.

She’s supposedly asked for help from the Queen in shutting her dad up, but she has mostly remained silent and just been content with her unique life and special husband.

She really does seem pretty wonderful.

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Kim Kardashian Downplays Kourtney Feud: ALL Sisters Call Each Other Evil!

Fans were shocked and appalled when they saw Kourtney and Kim’s feud blow up on a Keeping Up With The Kardashians sneak peek in which Kourtney called Kim an “evil being.”

Well, now Kim is trying to totally downplay their exchange as if that were normal sibling squabbling. 

The way that Kim sees it, it’s normal for siblings who supposedly love each other to be vicious and antagonistic towards each other. Yikes.

When Kim saw a fan’s response to her exchange with Kourtney, she couldn’t help but respond.

“What Kim doesn’t seem to understand,” the fan tweeted. “Is that Kourtney is done living this Kardashian life.”

The fan continued to speak for Kourtney, writing: “She’s sick and tired of being forced to stay relevant.”

The tweet continued, saying that Kourtneyw as worn out “by working herself off just to remain relevant.”

“Kourtney just wants to be present in her children’s lives,” the tweet concluded.

Kim Kardashian "Oh Word" Tweet about Kourtney

“Oh word,” Kim replied, quoting the fan’s tweet. “Did Kourt tell you this?”

“She sure wanna live that Kardashian life though,” Kim wrote, referring to the opulence, lucrative product endorsement opportunities, and fame.

“And BTW,” Kim added. “This photo shoot was our Christmas card.” She is reminding fans that the footage we’re seeing from KUWTK was filmed late in 2017.

Kim refers to the heated exchange as “family memories we were creating.”

“Just tune in,” Kim concluded. “Before you start acting like you know things.”

Another fan struck a very different tone and tweeted: “@kourtneykardash crying over @KimKardashian saying she’s not even interesting to look at is brilliant.”

“Siblings say dumb s–t to get a reaction,” this second fan continued.

Their narrative continues with: “the receiving sibling cries.”

“It’s over in a few days,” the fan concluded, adding the tag: “#RealLifeS–t”

Astoundingly, Kim Kardashian quoted that tweet and replied: “Exactly!!!”

Compared to Kim’s vicious words towards Kourtney and Kourtney’s reply, Khloe asking Kourtney what’s up her ass sounds almost healthy.

But, in reality, none of this sounds healthy for siblings. Or anyone else, for that matter.

The dynamic described in that second tweet, in a sentiment clearly shared by Kim, sounds almost appropriate between siblings who are elementary school aged.

We are talking about two grown women who are each mothers of three. In fact, Kim and Kourtney are both old enough to run for President.

To hear them speaking to each other that way is … disturbing.

Viewers and fans who see these shocking previews should keep a couple of things in mind.

First, as Kim reminds everyone, this bickering is from late 2017. Which means that this feuding is from late 2017, also.

Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, they are on a reality show.

This isn’t Candid Camera, folks. They know that they’re being filmed. They didn’t build a media empire by not knowing how to act in certain ways on camera.

That doesn’t mean that this argument is staged — but it may mean that it was deliberately exaggerated by Kim and by Kourtney for the benefit of the cameras.

At least, that is what we would prefer to believe. The alternative — that they speak to each other like this off camera — is almost unthinkable.

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Kourtney Kardashian to Kim: You Are Pure Evil!

This just in, Keeping Up with the Kardashians fans:

Season 15 of this oddly beloved reality series is going to be lit.

And Kourtney Kardashian might actually explode at one point during it.

In a previously-published sneak peek at this Sunday's premiere, we witnessed Kourtney Kardashian absolutely blast her sisters, referring to Khloe and Kim as "born bitches."

What, exactly, was the cause of the tension between supposed loved ones?

You can watch for yourself HERE to find out.

Now, in a new clip from this upcoming episode, we pick up right where the aforementioned fight left off, right after Kourtney stormed away from her siblings.

In the video featured on this page, Kourtney calls up Khloe and is instantly triggered.

“I’m not here to be mistreated by my f-cing bitch family,” she says, on speakerphone of course.

She continues:

“Kim saying that I’m the least interesting to look at – who even speaks like that? You don’t say things like that.

"You guys just have really different values than me. I choose to be a mother to my three kids. I’m not here looking for another job. I already work enough – more than I would like to.”

As you might expect, Kourtney implying (heck, stating) that she is the only sister who cares more about her children than her occupation sets Kim off.

"YOU DON'T DO SHIT!" Kim screams, adding:

“You would honestly think that we have more jobs, so [you should] work around our schedule.

You do whatever the f-ck you want to do and you don’t do shit, so be accommodating to the people that actually do shit.”

“You’re a very distraught, evil human being,” Kourtney replies. “I don’t want to see you, okay? I don’t agree with who you are as a human being.”

Amazing, right?

The producers have really outdone themselves with the writing for this premiere.

Kim then tells Kourtney to eff herself, yelling and ranting and raving:

“Clearly you’re going through something else, because you’re acting like a f-cking lunatic.

So maybe deal with that. What I said to you was rude and I wasn’t even being serious, so I said I’m sorry for that. But you’re the most f-cking entitled person on the planet when you work the least.”

Again: Amazing!

If you need to catch up, you can go watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians online now.

If you wanna see how this spat ends, you can tune in to E! at 9/8c on Sunday, August 5.

Kourtney kardashian lashes out as evil sister
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Sarah Palin: EVIL Sacha Baron Cohen Duped Me Into an Interview!

Sacha Baron Cohen is the man behind Borat and therefore the man responsible for the catchphrases of all of your most annoying friends over the past decade.

This time, he staged a satirical interview with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Palin, who’s been in enough disastrous interviews to recognize them, caught on, and unleashed a scathing attack on Cohen’s “evil” humor.

“Yup – we were duped,” Palin’s post begins. “Ya’ got me, Sacha. Feel better now?”

Sarah announces: “I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick ‘humor’ of the British ‘comedian’ Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime.”

Wait, she’s really going with evil for this? This isn’t just a matter of people in glass houses — most people wouldn’t say that a fake interview deserves that label.

“This ‘legit opportunity’ to honor American Vets and contribute to a ‘legit Showtime historical documentary’ was requested of me via a speakers bureau,” Palin says.

Some would suggest that, had the offer been truly legitimate, no one would have asked Sarah Palin to make an appearance.

“For my interview,” Palin explains. “My daughter and I were asked to travel across the country where Cohen (I presume) had heavily disguised himself as a disabled US Veteran, fake wheelchair and all.”

Cohen’s taste has always been questionable, as we’ll explain.

“Out of respect for what I was led to believe would be a thoughtful discussion with someone who had served in uniform,” Palin continues.

“I sat through a long “interview” full of Hollywoodism’s disrespect and sarcasm,” Palin says.

We don’t know what a Hollywoodism is supposed to mean in this context, but we imagine that whatever fans she still has will love the term.

“But finally had enough and literally, physically removed my mic and walked out,” Palin describes. “Much to Cohen’s chagrin.”

Palin writes: “The disrespect of our US military and middle-class Americans via Cohen’s foreign commentaries under the guise of interview questions was perverse.”

“Here is my challenge, shallow Sacha boy,” Palin suggests. “Go ahead – air the footage. Experience tells us it will be heavily edited, not pretty, and intended to humiliate.”

His whole schtick is seeing what people will say and how they will react, so, yeah, of course it’s intended to humiliate.

“The challenge is to Cohen, CBS, and Showtime,” Palin says. “Donate all proceeds to a charitable group that actually respects and supports American Vets.”

We’re not sure how one gauges proceeds from a Showtime series.

“Mock politicians and innocent public personalities all you want, if that lets you sleep at night,” Palin allows.

Interesting that Sarah Palin considers either herself or her daughter to be innocent public personalities.

“But HOW DARE YOU mock those who have fought and served our country?!” Palin asks.

She then says that this was: “Truly sick.”

“And as an aside,” Palin notes. “For further insight into the wealthy corporate enablers of this kind of ‘joke.'”

“The Cohen/CBS/Showtime production team purposefully dropped my daughter and me off at the wrong Washington, DC airport after the fake interview,” Palin claims. “Knowing we’d miss all flights back home to Alaska.”

That’s quite the accusation — of downright maliciousness.

“After refusing to take our calls to help get us out of the bind they’d put us in for three days,” Palin describes. “I wrote this off as yet another example of the sick nature that is media-slash-entertainment today.”

Palin has been frustrated with media and entertainment ever since they asked her questions about government policies in interviews while she was McCain’s running mate.

“Feel good and manly about your M.O., Sacha?” Palin asks.

In Palin’s world, of course, demonstrating masculinity is prized, so she assumes that Sacha Baron Cohen is preoccupied with a desire to feel manly.

“By the way, my daughter thinks you’re a piece of ****, Sacha.” Palin says.

Her daughter, Bristol, thinks a lot of things about a lot of people. She also blogs about it.

“Every honorable American Vet should feel the same.”

Note that by saying every honorable American vet, she brings the No True Scottsman paradox into play.

So the inevitable I’m a vet and I’m thrilled that she got played responses can be countered with ah, then you’re not an honorable one.

Sarah Palin is no one’s favorite person, but Sacha Baron Cohen can be controversial himself.

The arguments to defend him are that he does what he does to elicit genuine responses from people, to see what they will say with the right prompting.

But his work often relies upon shock value, the perpetuation of horrific racist stereotypes, and crude jokes.

That said, whatever you think of either of them, there’s one thing about which we can all agree:

Sarah Palin just gave Cohen’s work, which includes a series of interviews with some very famous politicians on both sides of the aisle, better publicity than anyone could have imagined.

We don’t normally advocate doing nice things for Sarah Palin, but perhaps Showtime should send her a fruit basket.

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‘Evil Genius’ Director Trey Borzillieri Says Floyd Stockton Shouldn’t Be Off the Hook

Trey Borzillieri — one of the directors of Netflix’s hit documentary ‘Evil Genius’ — believes investigators need to take another look at the notorious case … because the show exposed some major lies. If you aren’t familiar … ‘Evil Genius’ is…

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Farrah Abraham Shuts Down Mental Illness Claim: My Mom is Pure Evil!

In a recent interview, zero-time mom-of-the-year Debra Danielsen claimed that Farrah Abraham is suffering from multiple mental illnesses.

While mental illness doesn’t deserve its stigma, offering an armchair diagnosis of your famous daughter is … inexcusable.

Farrah is now responding by firing back at her mother.

As you may recall, Debra shared her “compassionate” words about Farrah in an interview.

“If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, if you have narcissism, any of these kinds of things, they’re all highly treatable.”

Whether or not you imagine that someone is having symptoms of something, it’s irresponsible to assign them a diagnosis. Um, especially in an interview.

“All is not lost, but I will say that deep down inside I know my daughter. She is kind, loving and she is sweet and very compassionate.”

Despite her upbringing, we guess.

“I think she works extremely hard, I think she just needs to step back a moment, and take some time and get healthy and take time for her so she can heal.”

Farrah tells People that it is “sad to hear my own mother would say these untrue things about her own child.”

We should keep in mind that Farrah has claimed that Debra has Asperger’s … which is also not an okay thing to guess in an interview, and seems better designed to malign the autistic community than anything else.

But Farrah goes in on her mother’s words.

“It’s evil and alarming. After all these years, I still have her best interests at heart.”

Evil is a very strong word, but honestly … people don’t use it enough. Not for the right things, anyway.

Farrah is perhaps not the best judge of what is and is not reasonable, but she’s right about this being a crappy stunt to pull on her mother’s part.

Farrah goes on to reveal how she views her mental health.

“Clinically & honestly, none of my TV show therapists & personal therapist have all said I’m balanced.”

That’s … an interestingly worded statement, but we think that she means to say that her therapists all say that she’s fine.

We’re not saying that they really said that, we’re just saying that this is what Farrah meant to say. Obviously, we don’t know what her therapists have told her, only how she’s apparently interpreted it.

“I started therapy in my past at the age of 14 due to my mother and I not getting along as our family therapist sided with me about my safety and my life choices that my mother has never been supportive or caring to help guide her own children.”

In the past, Farrah has accused her mother of terrible abuse. Which might explain some of Farrah’s … quirks … but not excuse things like Farrah’s race-fueled rants.

Farrah then shares that her therapists “have come to the conclusion my mother is jealous” of Farrah.

“I always wish my mother the best as I attended her wedding supporting her.”

As Farrah continues to talk about her mother, her sentence structure takes on exciting new forms.

“Saying horrible things about your own child after I’m the only one who has ever strived to overlook her demons she fights daily against.”

You know, Farrah’s said that she’s going into scripted television now that she was fired from Teen Mom OG. “Farrah Abraham: Demon-Slayer” sounds like an amazing trainwreck that I would watch every week. Just saying.

Farrah continues.

“This brings sadness to our family and I wish her all the best for the sake of my health & safety I wish her all the best.”

So … she wishes her mother the best … for the sake of her own health. Not very selfless, but that probably is healthy if Farrah means it.

That said, Farrah says that she and her daughter are getting the hell out of Dodge.

“I hope she has enjoyed the Teen Mom MTV ride that Sophia brought to her life as I’m moving on from that toxic environment she dwells in.”

In other words, Farrah plans to cut off Debra from her granddaughter after this.

“I hope she ceases talking about me since she does not love me she does not need to speak about me to stay relevant in a disgustingly hateful way. God Bless.”

Don’t worry, Debra … at least you’ll always have your bond with Amber Portwood, right?

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