Ted Cruz Attempts to Appear Human With Simpsons Joke, Fails

Ralph Wiggum. The monorail episode. Steamed Hams. 

The Simpsons has given us so much over the course of its multi-decade run that it’s not surprising when someone makes an effort to piggyback on the show’s unprecedented success.

But it is surprising when someone botches the attempt as badly as Ted Cruz did today.

You might know Cruz from his failed bid for the GOP presidential nomination, or for his intriguing love of incest porn.

Either way, you’re probably aware that the Texas senator embodies awkward in a way that few human beings ever have.

So when Zodiac Ted attempted to appeal to the groovy youths with a reference to the hippest 26-year-old animated sitcom on TV, it predictably went about as smoothly as the time Homer ate those Guatemalan Insanity Peppers.

Appearing at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference today, Cruz attempted to explain the current political climate using an awkward analogy involving America’s favorite non-Obama family.

“The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge,” Cruz told the assembled Chads and Ashleys.

Soooo … Democrats are the nation’s conscientious intellectuals and Republicans are its suckling infants?

No matter where you fall on the political spectrum we think you’ll agree that Ted’s analogy game could use some work.

The weird thing is, this is far from the first time that Cruz has referenced The Simpsons.

He claims to love the show, which makes his simplistic understanding of its characters all the more baffling.

Lisa is an egghead and the rest of the family is made up of red-blooded patriots?!

Take that Tracy Ullman-ass analysis back to 1989, homie.

Not surprisingly, some of the biggest talents behind the show’s success took issue with Ted’s interpretation of their work.

“Ted Cruz says Maggie Simpson would vote for him,” tweeted longtime showrunner Al Jean.

“I think Ted’s the one who could use a pacifier in his mouth.”

Jean added that Springfield’s most famous capitalist might have issued his final “fine mahok”:

“The way things are going even Mr. Burns is thinking of becoming a Democrat,” he wrote.

And Jean certainly wasn’t alone in his criticism of Cruz’s comments.

Many pointed out that The Simpsons savagely mocked the idea of a Trump presidency way back in 2000, which seems a fair indication that few of the show’s characters would be onboard with the present GOP agenda.

Tens of thousands went full Nelson Muntz on Cruz in the hours after his quote went public, but the most scathing burn may have come from longtime animator Anna Maltese:

“As a Simpsons animator for many years, I can say with 100% certainty that A) Lisa is officially the conscience of the family so…awesome.  B) Neither Marge nor Homer are Republicans,” Maltese tweeted bluntly.

We’re sure this isn’t as irritating to Cruz as having to continually deny that his dad killed JFK, but we’re guessing he’s not feeling particularly cromulent at the moment.


Tom Cruise Fails Again During ‘Mission: Impossible’ Stunt, Possibly Injured

Tom Cruise should really consider getting a stunt double, ‘cause he screwed up another jump on the set of “Mission: Impossible 6” … and might’ve injured himself again. Filming resumed in London this week, and in this clip you see Cruise attempt…


Duggar Parenting Fails: 13 Of the Family’s Most Shocking Moments

It was the size of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's massive brood that made them famous, but it's the unusual fashion in which the couple has raised their 19 kids that's made them subjects of continued fascination.

From bizarrely detailed "courtship rules" to a strict ban on girls and women wearing pants, the Duggars exercise control over every aspect of their children's lives.

It's a way of life that's earned them more critics than fans over the years, and when you look at the long list of jaw-dropping Duggar parenting moments, it's not hard to see why that is:

1. Pants, Pants Revolution

Jinger duggar in sweatpants
After a lifetime of only being permitted to wear long skirts, Jinger Duggar defied her parents and began wearing pants in public. Her sister Jessa Duggar followed suit. Jim Bob is reportedly displeased, but under the Duggar code of conduct, his hands are tied as long as their husbands allow a more lax dress code.

2. Blanket Training

Blanket training
The Duggars practice a controversial method of child discipline known as “blanket training.” In it, children are placed on a blanket and either restrained or physically punished if they attempt to move from it. Many fans believe this photo shows Israel Dillard receiving blanket training from his parents, Jill and Derick.

3. The Infamous Tortilla Hat

Samuel dillard tortilla hat
Earlier this year, Jill Duggar was harshly criticized for placing a tortilla on the head of her infant son Samuel. Seems like she just needed something to block the sun in a pinch, but the decision to substitute food for clothing didn’t sit well with fans.

4. Bike Fight

Bike fight
Speaking of headgear, some fans got upset about recent photos that showed young Duggar children riding bikes without helmets. And that wasn’t the family’s first cycling-related controversy…

5. Inappropriate Attire?

Duggar kids on bikes
It all started with this photo that not only showed the Duggar kids helmet-less, but also revealed that girls in the family are forced to wear skirts even while riding bikes.

6. Kids With Guns

Josh duggar gun photo
Before that OTHER big scandal surrounding Josh Duggar and kids, there was the one surrounding this photo. Fans were understandably not thrilled by the sight of Josh and Anna’s young children posing with a massive semi-automatic weapon.

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Kourtney Kardashian Tries, Fails to Prank Sleeping Kendall Jenner

Even though she made the mistake of spending a decade of her life cleaning up Scott Disick's vomit, Kourtney Kardashian still has a lot going for her.

She has three lovely kids, enjoys a "career" that requires her to do literally nothing except live out her lavish life in front of a camera crew, and probably owns about a dozen pairs of shoes that cost more than your car.

But apparently, there's one area in which Kourtney is sorely lacking.

It seems the girl can't play a prank to save her life.

In a preview clip for this week's episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe attempt to punk a sleeping Kendall Jenner.

Their plan is at once simple and intricate:

Kourt and Khloe plan to cram some chocolate in Kendall's butt crack in hopes of making the poor girl think she "sharted" herself in her sleep.

Like we said, not a terribly complex plan, and if executed properly, it probably has amusing payoff.

But that's the problem–you've got a couple first-timers attempting a prank with a pretty high degree of difficulty.

Granted, we've never tried to put food in a sleeping person's ass, but we imagine it's pretty hard to do so without waking them up.

This is a classic case of flying too close to the sun and Kourt and Khloe pay for their hubris in the end.

It's like a Greek tragedy, but with butt chocolate.

Next time, just draw dicks on her face and be done with it.

Check out the failed fake shart below, and watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians online so you don't have to watch this scene out of context.

We kid. Noting ever happens on this show.

Kourtney kardashian tries fails to prank sleeping kendall jenner

Mayim Bialik Tries (Fails?) to Clarify Controversial Rape Remarks

Mayim Bialik, star of The Big Bang Theory, finds herself in big trouble this week.

That’s what happens after you pen an op-ed for The New York Times in which you essentially blame the victims of sexual assault for getting assaulted.

Over the weekend, Bialik really did write a guest article for the aforementioned publication in response to the heinous allegations surrounding Harvey Weinstein.

With dozens of women having come out and accused the film producer of sexual misconduct, Bialik took the pompous stance that women need to think about how they look and act if they wish to avoid… rape.

“As a proud feminist with little desire to diet, get plastic surgery or hire a personal trainer, I have almost no personal experience with men asking me to meetings in their hotel rooms,” Bialik wrote early in her piece, earning immediate scorn.

Just… WHAT?!?

Who says any of these abused women got plastic surgery? Or were obsessed with dieting?

And, even if they did or they were, how does one then claim – in any tiny way, shape or form – that these interests mean a woman deserves to get assaulted or harassed?!?

“If you are beautiful and sexy, terrific,” the actress continued, adding:

“But having others celebrate your physical beauty is not the way to lead a meaningful life.

“And if – like me – you’re not a perfect 10, know that there are people out there who will find you stunning, irresistible and worthy of attention, respect and love.

“The best part is you don’t have to go to a hotel room or a casting couch to find them.”

There’s no way to interpret this stance in any way aside from Bialik saying women are somewhat to blame for getting raped.

Just act uglier and you’ll be ignored, she’s saying.

After getting dragged over the Internet coals for her opinion, Bialik lashed out at the “vicious” critics and said she would address the topic further in a Facebook Live chat on Monday.

mayim tweet

In this chat, Bialik made an important distinction.

“There is no way to avoid being a victim of assault by what you wear or the way you behave,” she said, explaining that her comments were only in reference to the “culture of Hollywood” that she’s experienced over the years.

“I was not speaking about assault and rape in general,” she added.

She went on to blame Hollywood instead of the actresses who were assaulted themselves, saying the industry encourages women to “present” themselves in a certain way.

“I feel protected in my industry more when I keep parts of myself private,” she said.

“It gives a feeling of comfort and a layer of protection, but it does not make you immune to assault.”

Bialik also apologized and said she was “deeply, deeply hurt” if any person that is actually has been a victim of assault thought she was blaming them in any way.

Many did. 

Stars such as Patricia Arquette and Gabrielle Union Tweeted in protest of Bialik, sharing their deeply personal stories of rape and assault in order to prove clothing played no role in what happened to them.

So at least the actress has tried here to clarify her comments.

And, look, perhaps there is some kind of column to write about Hollywood’s standards of beauty and how they place stressful burdens on young female stars.

But that issue wasn’t at play in the case of Harvey Weinstein being a grotesque monster.

And it’s certainly not what Mayim Bialik  wrote about in her op-ed.


Perez Hilton Tries, Fails to Walk Back Kylie Jenner Abortion Comments

When you're a celebrity and you screw up in public, a follow-up is a great opportunity to apologize, reassure your fans, and to quiet down your haters.

Or, you know, you can just dig that hole even deeper.

And that, it seems, is what Perez Hilton has chosen to do in the video below.

Kylie jenner perez hilton splitPerez hilton says some things

So, Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Travis Scott's baby. Because 2017 is nuts anyway, so this might as well happen. Sure.

Reportedly, she's expecting a baby girl who's due in February of 2018.

Kylie hasn't seen fit to confirm the news. No one in the family has, which is … frustrating.

It's also frustrating news to a lot of fans who hate to see Kylie make what they believe is such a poor choice.

After all, Kylie is only 20, even if, yeah, she has basically unlimited resources and also a large family.

And then there's the fact that Travis Scott is Kylie's rebound guy — after she finished dating Tyga for what felt like decades.

Most people limit their comments to "yikes" or "lol" or basically anything other than what Perez Hilton opted to do.

Kylie jenner on her side

Perez Hilton basically said that Kylie Jenner should get an abortion. Because … ugh. Of course he did.

In fact, let's not paraphrase — here were his exact words:

"If I were Kris Jenner, I would tell that girl to get an abortion!"

It was part of a lengthy video post (oh gosh, Perez's videos are so long … like, I talk a lot, but even Perez's "short" videos are way too long), but that was obviously the standout line.

As you can imagine, he got a huge backlash, and not just from the anti-abortion crowd.

Because literally the whole point of "my body my choice" is that nobody should get told what to do with their own damn uterus.

Anyway, the clapback was well-deserved, and Perez really should have been thinking carefully about his posts.

Like, this was barely a week after he stirred up controversy by inviting followers to body-shame Bella Thorne.

Some might accuse him of having a fondness for cyberbullying celebrities who are too young to drink.

Perez hilton sucks

So, Perez decided to "clarify things" in a video below.

He rambles about anti-abortion politicians (who are not relevant to this conversation at all) and talks about fatherhood and being a parent (which is kind of relevant)

But … as you'll see below, he's not doing a great job of walking back what he said.

So, before, people interpreted what he'd said as "Kylie Jenner should get an abortion!"

He said that what he actually meant was:

"What I meant to say if I didn't say it accurately is that, if I were her mother, I would've told Kylie Jenner to get an abortion when they found out in July."

That's not actually better, my guy.

Kylie jenner white robe with nails

Perez Hilton is missing the point that it's no more Kris Jenner's business what Kylie does with her uterus and its alleged contents than it is his.

The stage of the pregnancy and who is trying to tell her what to do with her own body doesn't matter.

Perez Hilton is welcome to call Kylie's potential parenting skills into question all that he likes.

(Though, honestly, in addition to a sizable family support network and enough money to buy a small army of nannies, Kylie is really good with dogs and that gives us high hopes for her maternal skills)

You can be 100% pro-choice under all circumstances (I am) and still be disgusted by a man suggesting that anyone, even Kris Jenner, should have tried to convince her child to get an abortion.

That is, to me, every bit as bad as suggesting that someone should talk her out of an abortion.

If Kylie had asked "what should I do," then sure. But you don't volunteer an opinion about someone else's uterus. Wait for them to ask.

Perez Hilton saw the backlash but missed the point.

Perez hilton tries fails to walk back kylie jenner abortion comm

Matt Baier Fails Lie Detector Test, Amber Portwood FREAKS

The good news: we got to see Matt Baier take (and fail) a lie detector test in the season finale of Teen Mom OG.

The bad news: Amber Portwood could not take the results of the test and had a complete meltdown on camera.

On the June 26 Teen Mom OG season finale, Amber and Matt sat down for the long-anticipated results of his test.

(Side Note: If your partner is taking a polygraph exam for any reason, it may not be a good sign for your romance.)

As reported earlier, Amber called off her wedding to Matt after an upsetting string of recent events shook her to her core.

One of which was that Baier took a lie detector test while in Los Angeles for the MTV Movie Awards earlier this spring.

How did that come about, you ask?

Following that MTV event, which Amber attended with Kailyn Lowry, she received word from a girl claiming Matt tried to sleep with her.

It's not clear exactly how the girl in question made contact with Portwood, but naturally, she demanded Baier take a polygraph test, and …

Let's just say that the results were mixed.

Asked if he has engaged in any sexual activity or communications with anyone other than Amber since October 10, 2014, Matt said no.

He was telling the truth, the test indicated.

The third question, however, is where things fell apart. Matt was asked this: "Did you make any sexual advances toward [bleep]?

He answered no again. But he failed.

Within seconds, Amber stormed out, screaming profanities at Matt, punching an elevator and having to be restrained by producer Kiki.

Take a look at her facial expression immediately upon learning that Matt did apparently make "sexual advances" toward this female.

Says it all right there.

"It's a very vague question. I passed the direct ones. I'm sorry she's upset but I didn't do anything wrong," Matt said, missing the point.

"I didn't cheat," he insisted. "I never would and when she settles down, she'll realize that. That's the important thing. I win. I passed."

Amber wasn't in the mood for that, though, instead lamenting her choice in men and the impact of this latest bombshell on her daughter.

"Man, my baby. What is she gonna say to me?" Amber said. "I've wasted seven years of my life with a man. I wasted three years of my 20s."

"My teenage years and my 20s. I've been through so much s–t," she said, referring to both Matt and Gary Shirley. "I just want a break."

Incredibly, she won't take a permanent one from this train wreck just yet. She recently told E! News they are "working on their issues."

Good luck with that. Watch the scene in question below and follow the link to watch Teen Mom OG online to see the episode in full.

Amber portwood freaks out over matt baier lie detector test