Jared Fogle: Maybe Trump Can Get Me Out of Jail!

You know how Jared Fogle lost his appeal? Well, the disgraced former sandwich spokesperson is trying a new strategy.

This time, he’s filed new documents that name … Donald Trump.

Is he trying to wrangle a pardon?

The New York Post reports that Jared Fogle called on Donald Trump in his latest bid for freedom.

This week, Fogle filed a write of habeas corpus.

Despite sounding like a Harry Potter spell, it literally just means “move the body.” It’s classic legal jargon.

Which means that he is claiming that he is being unlawfully detained.

Fogle claims that his 2015 guilty plea was unlawful … because it included a conspiracy charge that he believes was unwarranted.

This isn’t his first attempt to claim that he shouldn’t be in prison, and it won’t be his last.

The twist this time … is that in addition to naming the judge in his case and the warden of his prison, he also named Donald Trump.

Jared Fogle is a former spokesperson who is now serving a 15-year sentence for the distribution of child pornography.

Donald Trump is a reality star who is, like it or not, the current President of the United States.

Despite that, they do have some things in common:

Both are associated with fast food.

Both are over 6 feet in height.

Both were mildly interesting public personalities about a decade ago but now you wouldn’t leave them alone with your or anyone else’s daughter under any circumstances.

None of that, however, explains why Jared would name-drop Trump on his paperwork.

The New York Post speculates that Fogle is feeling desperate.

Donald Trump is famously capricious, and may say or do anything on a whim regardless of what his advisors or the American people or common sense might say about it.

Could it be that Jared Fogle is hoping that Trump might buy into his argument that his prison sentence is some sort of government overreach and that he deserves to be free?

He is imprisoned on Federal charges, and so his crimes are within Trump’s power to pardon.

Even in these mad years of the Trump administration, that would be a … sensational and shocking move.

Regardless of what the former Subway spokesman hoped to gain by naming Donald Trump, a magistrate shot down his paperwork.

Specifically, the magistrate says that his documents are missing some details.

Jared has 30 days to submit a revised version … that does not mention any orange Presidents.

You may recall that Jared tried to appeal in 2016 by arguing that his sentence was unfairly long and therefore too harsh for his crimes.

He lost.

It’s not really a surprise that Jared is trying everything. For one thing, he has nothing but time on his hands.

For another, he was brutally beaten in the prison yard just two years ago. Since then, he’s been reportedly paying for protection, but that cannot come cheaply.

Even though he’s reviled across the country, he would of course prefer to be just another disgusting human being walking free than to be behind bars.

But trying to get Trump’s attention isn’t likely to work. Besides, Trump is a little busy golfing, working at least an hour a day, and enjoying his miserable marriage

But, hey, maybe he’ll tweet about Jared at 5am, for whatever that’s worth. We’ll see.


Jared Fogle: Judge Rejects New Appeal!

There are a lot of famous sex monsters walking free. But some are behind bars. Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in prison, and he’s just over two years in.

It’s pretty safe to say that he is not enjoying his prison stay. In fact, he has once again attempted to appeal his sentence — by drafting the appeal himself and claiming that the court lacked jurisdiction.

The judge … wasn’t impressed.

Jared Fogle rose to fame as a spokesperson for Subway, showcasing his weight loss. Though he was fired from that job when accusations surfaced, he is arguably the worst thing to ever happen to that company.

(I know that this is where there’s almost an obligatory jab at Subway’s products, but I actually love their food)

For 15 years, Jared was the spokesperson for Subway. And then he came under investigation for paying for sex with minors.

As you can imagine when we’re talking about a man accused of having sex with children, he was also investigated for receiving child pornography.

In 2015, he was accused, tried, and convicted. His currently estimated release date is July 11th, 2029.

Since going to prison, Jared Fogle has been a key example of the way that men who prey upon children often do not fare well in prison.

By which we mean that Jared was brutally attacked by another inmate.

Even though most of us can agree that the prison system needs to be overhauled so that people who serve sentences stand a chance at rehabilitation rather than facing potential violence, it’s hard to get too upset when the victim of violence is a guy imprisoned for preying upon children.

And Jared is apparently paying other inmates to protect him. So we guess that he’s a job-creator now, or something.

It’s pretty safe to say, though, that he’s not enjoying his stay behind bars. He wants out.

Jared appealed his sentence once before, claiming that he was being punished for his thoughts — his fantasies — rather than for his actions.

See, the judge directly referred to his fantasies that he expressed in secretly recorded phone conversations.

We totally agree that, disgusting though they may be, someone’s thoughts or fantasies shouldn’t get them arrested.

Jared’s appeal didn’t work, though. Probably because, though the judge did mention his fantasies, he was convicted of sex with minors and receiving child porn.

The court upheld Jared’s sentence.

This time, Jared came up with his own legal argument in the prison library. Well, he borrowed a legal argument that another inmate had unsuccessfully made. 

Jared filed documents claiming that the court in which he had been tried had no jurisdiction. That’s the legalese equivalent of “I don’t recognize the authority of this court.”

His argument was that he believed that the case against him hinged upon travel between states taking place, and apparently countered that he had only committed his sex crimes in a single state.

TMZ reports that Jared Fogle’s appeal was shut down. The judge was not amused, and though she told him that he was welcome to appeal her ruling on his “frivilous” argument, she said that the law specifically covered his crimes.

We guess that it’s not really a huge surprise that “actually I only preyed upon children in one state” didn’t fly for the appeal.

While we’re not legal experts, we can’t imagine that Judge Pratt is eager to be overturned on appeal. Judges rarely are.

Therefore it’s probably unlikely that Jared will see much success with this argument.

But you never know when someone will find a technicality and be able to worm themselves out of prison despite what seemed like an open-and-shut case.

If not, though, Jared will just have to wait until 2029. If, you know, he lives that long.