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Jim Bob Duggar: Ladies, Here’s How to Keep Your Husband Happy

For most people, Jim Bob Duggar is up there with O.J. Simpson on the list of people who are least qualified to dole out relationship advice.

But some folks look at old JBD as a romantic role model.

After all, if your goal is to sire a small army and then make a bunch of weirdly strict rules governing how they're allowed to use their own genitals, the Duggar patriarch is your man.

Jim Bob and Michelle celebrated another wedding anniversary this week, and they decided to flip the script by giving a gift to fans in the form of preachy marital advice.

So put on your tapered jeans or your floor-length skirt and allow Jim Bob to school you in the ways of romance:

1. Laying Down the Law

Michelle duggar and jim bob duggar
Jim Bob began his latest sermon by listing the seven things that every man needs from his wife. Somehow, “crimped fright-wig hair” didn’t make the list.

2. A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive

Jim bob and michelle duggar divorce photo
We guess this one is self-explanatory. Unfortunately, Jim Bob never taught his sons the importance of being loyal and supportive, right, Josh Duggar?

3. A man needs a wife who honors his leadership

Jim bob duggar and michelle duggar on vacation
As for this one … well, it’s anyone’s guess what the hell this means. All we know is that it sounds super cult-y and the Duggars love them a good cult mentality.

4. A man needs a wife who develops inward and outward beauty.

Michelle duggar cheerleader photo
We suppose this one was inevitable. Ladies, Jim Bob wants you to stay hot for your men. And remember, there’s no plastic surgery for inner beauty.

5. A man needs a wife who will make appeals, not demands.

Michelle jim bob baby
As in, she appeals to you to stop issuing so many freakin’ demands. Like there aren’t enough rules for the Duggars to follow already.

6. A man needs a wife who understands his need for time alone with God

Jim bob and michelle duggar kiss
“God” is a versatile term here. It can mean the monotheistic deity of the Abrahamic religions, or the stack of Playboys you keep in the shed.

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Marcellus Wiley Says Garoppolo Doesn’t Need Endorsements, Keep Bangin’ Porn Stars!

Marcellus Wiley is all for Jimmy Garoppolo dating porn stars … and he doesn’t care if the QB’s marketability takes a hit — telling TMZ Sports, “I think he’s made enough money, he doesn’t need every damn endorsement!” We got the ex-NFL star out…

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Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump: Keep Kissing Putin’s Ass, Traitor!

If you were anywhere near social media yesterday, you may have noticed that the entire internet briefly set aside cat videos and celebrity butts in order to briefly focus on something slightly more important — namely, a US president just casually committing treason on live TV.

Yes, in case you somehow haven’t heard, the passionate bromance of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin continued yesterday, and it was different from all those other times an American president sang the praises of a hostile foreign dictator who was standing right next to him, in that it actually happened in real life and wasn’t part of some terrifying Orwellian nightmare.

Obviously, the hot takes were everywhere on social media yesterday, with just about everyone roasting poor Donnie to a crisp for essentially getting dominated by a powerful Russian on TV in what can only be described as a reverse-Rocky IV.

Even prominent members of the GOP spoke out against Trump’s embarrassing display of supplication.

Of course, if you’re wondering if any of them will do anything about it by, say, running against Trump in the 2020 primaries, the answer remains “hell no,” because ultimately, ceding control of our country to a corrupt superpower is a small price to pay in exchange for corporate tax cuts.

No, the task of usurping Donnie Despot will once again fall to the Dems, who will again be forced to rely upon a much smaller arsenal of weapons than their opponents.

While the Trump campaign will continue to enjoy the support of state TV and an army of Russian bots, whoever runs against the president will be forced to rely on old-fashioned tools such as “words” and “the truth.”

Obviously, those instruments didn’t prove very reliable for Hillary Clinton in 2016, but that hasn’t stopped the rightful president from continuing to take shots at the Ruskie-installed puppet that currently occupies the White House:

“Great World Cup. Question for President Trump as he meets Putin: Do you know which team you play for?” Clinton tweeted when the soccer tournament wrapped up on Sunday.

She followed that up yesterday with a succinct yet potent burn:

“Well, now we know,” Clinton tweeted.

And if you think Clinton is exaggerating, you should really go back and watch that press conference again.

Trump basically had cartoon hearts orbiting that fleshy tube he calls a head the entire time.

Of course, what’s really troublesome about the Helsinki summit is not what was said on camera, but what may have transpired behind closed doors.

But if you’re finding that thought too horrible to contemplate today, you may want to focus instead on the moment when Trump threw a soccer ball at his wife.

You know it was a weird-ass press conference when that instant of hilariously unathletic awkwardness doesn’t even crack the top five on the list of weirdest sh-t that happened.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna try and find out if we’ll need to buy new computers once the takeover is complete, or if there’s some sort of keyboard command for all those backward Ks and Rs in the Russian alphabet.

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