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Jared Fogle: Maybe Trump Can Get Me Out of Jail!

You know how Jared Fogle lost his appeal? Well, the disgraced former sandwich spokesperson is trying a new strategy.

This time, he’s filed new documents that name … Donald Trump.

Is he trying to wrangle a pardon?

The New York Post reports that Jared Fogle called on Donald Trump in his latest bid for freedom.

This week, Fogle filed a write of habeas corpus.

Despite sounding like a Harry Potter spell, it literally just means “move the body.” It’s classic legal jargon.

Which means that he is claiming that he is being unlawfully detained.

Fogle claims that his 2015 guilty plea was unlawful … because it included a conspiracy charge that he believes was unwarranted.

This isn’t his first attempt to claim that he shouldn’t be in prison, and it won’t be his last.

The twist this time … is that in addition to naming the judge in his case and the warden of his prison, he also named Donald Trump.

Jared Fogle is a former spokesperson who is now serving a 15-year sentence for the distribution of child pornography.

Donald Trump is a reality star who is, like it or not, the current President of the United States.

Despite that, they do have some things in common:

Both are associated with fast food.

Both are over 6 feet in height.

Both were mildly interesting public personalities about a decade ago but now you wouldn’t leave them alone with your or anyone else’s daughter under any circumstances.

None of that, however, explains why Jared would name-drop Trump on his paperwork.

The New York Post speculates that Fogle is feeling desperate.

Donald Trump is famously capricious, and may say or do anything on a whim regardless of what his advisors or the American people or common sense might say about it.

Could it be that Jared Fogle is hoping that Trump might buy into his argument that his prison sentence is some sort of government overreach and that he deserves to be free?

He is imprisoned on Federal charges, and so his crimes are within Trump’s power to pardon.

Even in these mad years of the Trump administration, that would be a … sensational and shocking move.

Regardless of what the former Subway spokesman hoped to gain by naming Donald Trump, a magistrate shot down his paperwork.

Specifically, the magistrate says that his documents are missing some details.

Jared has 30 days to submit a revised version … that does not mention any orange Presidents.

You may recall that Jared tried to appeal in 2016 by arguing that his sentence was unfairly long and therefore too harsh for his crimes.

He lost.

It’s not really a surprise that Jared is trying everything. For one thing, he has nothing but time on his hands.

For another, he was brutally beaten in the prison yard just two years ago. Since then, he’s been reportedly paying for protection, but that cannot come cheaply.

Even though he’s reviled across the country, he would of course prefer to be just another disgusting human being walking free than to be behind bars.

But trying to get Trump’s attention isn’t likely to work. Besides, Trump is a little busy golfing, working at least an hour a day, and enjoying his miserable marriage

But, hey, maybe he’ll tweet about Jared at 5am, for whatever that’s worth. We’ll see.

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Sugar Bear: I Saw Those DNA Results … Maybe I’m NOT Alana’s Father

Recently on From Not To Hot, Mike "Sugar Bear" Thompson's paternity results came back … inconclusive. So it's unclear if he's Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson's biological father.

Though he was initially outraged that his wife went behind his back to order the results, it looks like he's had a reluctant change of heart.

As you'll see in the new From Not To Hot clip below, he's begun to doubt whether he was ever Alana's father. Will he do another, non-secret test?

Sugar bear and jennifer lamb kitchen

In the From Not To Hot clip that you can see below, Sugar Bear stages a heart-to-heart with his wife, Jennifer Lamb.

"I've been thinking. The way me and you was fightin' … I mean, that's not us."

Lamb agrees:

"I know."

Sugar Bear affirms that it put an unhealthy strain on their relationship.

"A married couple shouldn't fight like that."

Sugar bear and jennifer lamb

If you're wondering why the two were quarreling, then remember that Jennifer Lamb wanted to covertly do a DNA test on Alana Thompson to see if she's really Sugar Bear's.

See, Sugar Bear lamented that June Shannon is keeping Alana from him. He doesn't have any legally recognized parental rights.

Which, in the storyline that these two have on this season of From Not To Hot, "got Jennifer Lamb thinking" about whether Alana is really Sugar Bear's biological daughter.

Lamb says that she would love to be Alana's stepmother and would be a good one … but also says that she'd be totally unwilling to pay child support for a child whom Sugar Bear didn't help conceive.

So, that's where all of this is coming from.

Mike thompson and jennifer lamb

Jennifer Lamb speaks up, telling her husband about her motives.

"I wasn't doing it for me."

Sugar Bear still protests because she kept it a secret.

"You shouldn't go behind my back."

That's usually a good idea for married couples. Or any two people who hope to have a healthy and lasting relationship.

Sugar bear and jennifer lamb at home

Cutting to Jennifer Lamb's confessional, she laments that he's still harping on this.

"Here we go again. That man is like a dog with a bone."

Back in the kitchen, Lamb continues her conversation with Sugar Bear:

"Yeah. I did go behind your back, but … the truth needs to come out."

She asks him a very direct question:

"Can you honest to God say that you know that that's your youngin'?"

Sugar bear and jennifer lamb amorous intentions

Sugar Bear considers, and admits:

"I can't honest to God say that."

He then elaborates, if somewhat begrudgingly.

"I mean, do I have proof that Alana's mine? No."

it sounds like Jennifer Lamb's discussion with him has really made him warm up to the idea of a DNA test.

"Since the DNA test come back inconclusive, hey, it's makin' me wonder."

Jennifer lamb sugar bears wife

Jennifer Lamb explains her motives:

"I'm trying to prove that that is your daughter, blood-wise and heart-wise."

That's important to mention, since Alana was raised as Sugar Bear's daughter. There's more to being a dad than, you know, biological paternity.

(Which is not to say that Sugar Bear was a good father — he's accused of terrible things — but for better or for worse, he was Alana's dad)

Lamb then mentions that Mama June isn't exactly the monogamous type.

"We're dealing with June. She does have three other kids by three other daddies."

Sugar Bear admits:

"Yeah, that is true."

Jennifer lamb

Sugar Bear then covers his bases with a statement that he's confident in how the results will come back.

"I still think she's mine. But maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to know for sure."

And then he admits that Jennifer Lamb had the right idea, even if she went about it sneakily.

"Maybe that was a good idea."

Jennifer Lamb then admits that she's shocked as his turnaround.

"Wow! The day Mike acted the day he found the DNA results? I really didn't think he would wanna have one done."

Watch the clip here:

Sugar bear i saw those dna results maybe im not alanas father
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Punxsutawney Phil: Groundhog Day Soothsayer Set to Nail 2017 Forecast … Maybe

Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator to end all prognosticators, is getting hyped as s–t to make his annual Groundhog Day prediction.

What will he tell us early Friday morning?

The man, the myth, the Rust Belt legend without whom Groundhog Day would not be a thing is just hours away from doing HIS thing:

Making his annual prediction at daybreak LIVE from the western reaches of Keystone State, to lay out how 2018 will shake out weather-wise.

Will there be a shadow sighting, thus signaling six more weeks of winter? Or no shadow, and therefore, an early spring on the horizon?

Only Punxsutawney Phil knows for sure.

February 2, of course, is when this affable, rotund mound of profound knowledge emerges from Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa.

He either sees his shadow or he doesn’t. It’s as simple as that, yet the stakes at the midway point of winter (exactly!) could not be higher.

A hell of a lot is riding on this s–t, given that if there is a shadow sighting, we’re looking at six more weeks of bitter cold and icy precipitation.

No shadow? Then it’s early spring, people!

Awesome as that sounds (and increasingly likely, if you buy into the whole Chinese climate change hoax), we wouldn’t wager on this.

Historically, the odds just aren’t that great.

In 120 years, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an “early spring” a sparing 18 times, not a shock since he lives in the Northeast U.S.

Not to mention, one of those times was 2013, when record snowfall totals proceeded to pound much of the U.S. not even a week later.

On the flip side, he’s been on top of this s–t since.

Following the aforementioned debacle, which even led to a lawsuit by one Ohio county, he came back with back-to-back shadow sightings. 

Both preceded extremely wintry weather in 2014-15. In 2016, Phil did not see his shadow and North America saw its warmest winter ever.

Last year, he again saw his shadow and winter roared on with a vengeance as predicted. Suffice it to say, P-squared is back, b-tches.

Hopefully, Punxsy decides to turn in early and get some rest tonight, because we need him to bring his A-game tomorrow morning.

Happy Groundhog Day!

The current forecast for Friday a.m. in the Weather Capitol of the World is mostly cloudy and a chilly 14 degrees, for what that’s worth.

How it plays out is anyone’s guess, so just sit back, think about your favorite lines from Groundhog Day the movie and bask in the glory.

Early spring or not, this quintessentially American holiday is a great chance to get outside, have fun and enjoy the spectacle of winter.

Come on, it’s the second day of February, probably the most dismal point in the entire calendar year. We all need this right now.

And for that, we thank Phil.

YOUR PREDICTION:

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Chris Lopez Attacks Kailyn Lowry on Twitter: Maybe I’ll Bang Briana DeJesus!

Kailyn Lowry just can’t seem to escape the drama these days.

Between her ongoing feud with Briana DeJesus, her complicated situation with Javi Marroquin, and her issues with her other baby daddies, the girl basically spends her days dealing with one mess after another.

And now it seems her various conflicts are overlapping, with one foe using another’s name to taunt Kailyn on social media.

As you may have heard, Kail is having problems with the father of her youngest son.

Chris Lopez is fighting her for custody of baby Lux, and it appears that the battle is getting uglier by the day.

Fortunately for Kailyn, Chris has been shooting himself in the foot by going after her on social media.

He’s already got a hard road ahead of him as a sketchy dad who initially wanted nothing to do with his son.

Now, he’s making himself look even worse in the eyes of any family court judge by savagely attacking Lux’s mom on Twitter.

According to In Touch Weekly, in a since-deleted tweet, Lopez wrote that he planned to “hit up” Briana DeJesus in order to get revenge on Kail.

As we mentioned earlier, Kailyn and Briana are bitter rivals, and their hostility toward one another was already exacerbated when Briana dated Javi Marroquin, Kailyn’s ex-husband and the father of her second son.

Some of his followers joined in on denigrating Kail in brutal fashion.

“Don’t even give that b-tch a life,” wrote one.

Not surprisingly, Kail’s legion of faithful fans quickly jumped to her defense.

“She gave him life lol,” wrote one, adding:

“You think this non-factor got 13k followers by himself? 13k and 99.9% of the time he gets no likes or responses. If you were able to add and weren’t blind you possibly [could] put 2+2 together.”

Lopez was quick to respond:

“These 13k followers don’t mean a thing tho lol I honestly liked it better when y’all didn’t know who I was,” he shot back.

Another follower was quick to suggest that Lopez make better use of his time:

“Instead of trying to hit Bri up to piss Kail off, go work and get yourself a lawyer to see you child,” he tweeted.

Lopez responded to that tweet as well, writing:

“It was a joke lol I don’t want that girl relax DUDEEE,” apparently in reference to Briana.

In all likelihood, Lopez was just joking about dating Briana.

But it’s simply not a good look to throw shade at a single mom who recently tweeted about struggling with body shaming and other negative aspects of life in the public eye.

If Lopez is serious about wanting to be a bigger part of his son’s life, he should probably put down the phone ASAP.

Watch Teen Mom 2 online for more on the drama-packed life of Kailyn Lowry.

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