Meghan Markle & Prince Harry Plan US Tour: Will They Visit Her Family?

Back in May, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry got married, and her family has spent the months since reminding us how awful they are and what a miracle it is that she grew up to be a functional human, much less a duchess.

In case you’ve remained blissfully unaware of the existence of Meg’s father, sister, and brother, believe us when they say they’re the absolute worst.

Here’s a brief recap of the past week in case you’re unwilling to take our word for it.

(You’re so untrusting, hypothetical reader. Gawd!)

First, we learned that Meg’s dad, Thomas Markle enjoys humiliating his daughter in inappropriately personal interviews.

But soon after, we learned Tom Sr. can’t hold a candle to his eldest offspring in the malicious insanity department.

First, the almost impressively-bonkers Samantha Markle tweeted that it will be Meghan’s fault when her father dies.

Next, the equally batsh-t Thomas Markle Jr. theorized that the queen and company are turning Meghan into a royal zombie.

Despite the fact that these people call the US of A their home, Meghan and Harry will soon deign to set foot on the same soil with a tour of America.

Yes, according to US Weekly, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex will soon take their first trip to her homeland as a married couple.

“They are so excited to head to the U.S.,” reveals a palace insider.

“Meghan is looking forward to introducing Harry to everything she loves about the U.S.”

As for the itinerary, the source says, “They are thinking New York, Washington, D.C., and California,” adding:

“They’re working to finalize locations and venues.” 

As you may have noticed, there’s no mention of any plans to visit the various monsters of the Markle family.

So what is the goal of the trip (other than providing Harry an opportunity to visit the set of Suits)?

Well, apparently the newlyweds have an ambitious agenda in mind:

“Meghan and Harry want to solidify ties between the U.K. and the U.S.,” continues the source.

“They want to highlight and foster these relationships.”

Um … excuse us, but we think our big apricot baby president can handle foreign relations on his own, thankyouverymuch.

Did you not see him obliviously speed walk in front of the 92-year-old queen like she was a Midtown panhandler?

It was the ultimate cuck-trampling alpha move.

It was a gesture that says to the world, “Look out! I like my steaks well-done and brown children in cages!”

Don John is out here throwing Starbursts at world leaders like they’re frightened children on Halloween and he’s the boogeyman of the planet.

In conclusion, please save us, Harry and Meghan.

We’re not all as bad as the Markles.


Thomas Markle Jr: Meghan Is Becoming a Royal Zombie!!

With a family like this, who needs enemies?

Meghan Markle’s dad enjoys humiliating the royals — he said so himself. Meanwhile, her sister Samantha says it’s Meghan’s fault if their dad dies, somehow.

Now her brother is claiming that Meghan is being turned into a zombie by the Royal family — his words.

We already talked about how Thomas Markle Jr. sent a letter to the Queen in which he seemed to intimate that Meghan’s new royal life might lead to her premature death.

Now, RadarOnline got their hands on some more of Thomas Markle Jr.’s writing — to the Queen.

“Meghan & Harry look very much in love and happy together,” Thomas Jr. admits.

That’s better, at least, than what her dad says to any tabloid that will listen. He says that her smile is fake and hides some secret pain, blah blah blah.

Thomas Jr. ruins it immediately by saying: “although Meghan [is] living under your rules and Royal household regulations.”

Oh, of course.

This is where it gets worse.

“I think,” Thomas Jr. says. “Meg may feel like she’s being held prisoner.”

We know that being royalty is referred to as a gilded cage, but … this is absurd.

He writes that he worries that Meghan feels that she is both trapped “and turning into a zombie.”

That is not only totally unfounded — seemingly based upon his imagination and perhaps some very bad fanfiction — but totally over-the-top.

Speaking of totally unproven accusations, Thomas Jr. has more to say about what is allegedly making Meghan unhappy.

He writes that Meghan is afflicted by “the tension from Camila [sic] toward her.”

So now we’re to believe that she’s feuding with her stepmother-in-law?

“And,” Thomas Jr. writes. “Also being treated different than Kate.”

Kate is bearing offspring who are directly in line for the throne. Meghan knew that from the start. Most of these alleged conflicts seem to exist in Thomas Jr.’s mind.

“The pressure on Meg,” Thomas writes. “Has got to be overwhelming.”

You know what would really take some pressure off of Meghan’s shoulders?

If her entire shameful nightmare of a family would stop leaping at every opportunity to drag her through the mud.

These messages are, at least in part, a very clear cry for attention from their royal relative.

If they would, perhaps, shut the f–k up for a while, maybe Meghan would speak to them.

But if she never spoke to the people who seek to humiliate her and ruin her happiness again, we would very much understand it.

Now, Meghan Markle may break royal protocol from time to time. 

First of all, that’s normal. She’s still learning. She’s an American and very new to the royal lifestyle.

Second of all, there’s never been any confirmation of rumors that she’s hated. We talk about alleged feuds with Kate, but we haven’t seen proof.

In fact, by all accounts, it sounds like she really gets along well with the Queen. That’s no surprise — she’s married to the Queen’s grandson.

It’s fine for people to enjoy imagining an American woman marrying into the royal family and finding that it’s a nightmare. Write that down. Sell your script. Make a TV series.

But don’t try to sabotage your own sister’s (or daughter’s) happiness just because, after you’ve proven that you’re untrustworthy, she doesn’t return your calls.


Meghan Markle’s Siblings: She’s Gonna Die Young AND She’s Gonna kill Our Father!

Generally, when someone is being a bit too dramatic, we say something along the lines of “they’ve been watching too many soap operas.”

But in the case of Meghan Markle’s bonkers siblings and their weird conception of royal life, we guess … they’ve been reading too much Shakespeare?

Yes, apparently, the Markle family is convinced that all royal marriages result in bloodshed and premature death.

Why do they feel that way?

Well, the short answer is that they’re certifiably batsh-t psychotic.

The long answer has to do with Princess Di, Nelson Mandela, and Meghan’s complicated relationship with her father, Thomas Markle.

Buckle in, because it looks like Samantha Grant and Thomas Markle Jr. may have achieved the impossible and found a way to outdo themselves in the insanity department.

The latest round of craziness began with a letter that Tom Jr. wrote to Queen Elizabeth II … as though she hasn’t had to deal with enough Americans blowhards this week.

Obviously, 92-year-old monarchs have nothing better to do than read letters from unemployed nobodies, but amazingly, it seems QE2 has no intention of responding to Thomas’ ridiculous ravings.

“Meghan’s dream was to be a princess someday like Diana,” reads the bizarre missive obtained by Radar Online.

“It would also be sad to see Meg’s dreams broken if she were to fail in her new position and disappear from the royal family.”

Yes, Thomas went full “veiled Mafioso threat” right out of the gate:

That’s a nice childhood dream you have. Would be a shame if it were to … result in your untimely death.

“Diana died because she refused to toe the royal line,” Thomas continued.

“Meghan is another loose cannon who keeps thumbing her nose at royal protocol … We fear this can only end in heartbreak and disaster — just like Diana!”

The exclamation point really drives the point home and makes Thomas seem like a very stable individual.

But hey, at least Thomas is (pretending to be) concerned for Meghan’s safety.

Sister Samantha Grant (who goes by Samantha Markle these days because she now has dollar signs for pupils), is just openly filled with seething rage toward Meghan.

In case you haven’t heard, today marks what would have been Nelson Mandela’s 100th birthday.

Meghan participated in a ceremony paying tribute to the iconic South African leader, and now Samantha is pissed, because apparently Meghan should be more focused on paying tribute to her own father, who is totally still alive and recently skipped the royal wedding.

“How about you pay tribute to your own father?!” Markle wrote in one tweet.

“Enough is enough. Act like a humanitarian, act like a woman. If our father dies, it’s on you Meg!”

Obviously, Sam was just getting warmed up, and she went on to proclaim that she “was right” about Harry:

“Glad you have so much time to gallivant around paying tribute to others while ignoring your own father!” Grant tweeted.

Samantha Markle Tweets

“How cold can you be and look in the mirror? Harry? I guess I was right.” 

Serious question: Has the word “gallivant” ever been used by someone who’s not awful?

Samantha, as you may recall, has been trying to cash in on Meghan’s fame ever since the world learned that the former actress was dating Prince Harry.

Sam planned to pen a tell-all memoir about Meghan, but publishers lost interest when they realized she hasn’t had any contact with Meghan in over a decade, and is completely unhinged.

So apparently, Sam has decided to vent her feelings for free on Twitter.

There are times when we think everyone should just ignore her crazy ass until she goes away.

But then we’re honest with ourselves, and we admit that there’s no way we can look away from such an amusing trainwreck.


Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton: Due to Give Birth on the Same Day?

We recently discussed the report that Meghan Markle is expecting a boy and a girl — fraternal twins — with Prince Harry.

There is also a report that Kate Middleton is already pregnant with her fourth royal baby.

A new report confirms them both … and says that Kate and Meghan may end up giving birth on the same day

A new InTouch cover gleefully announces this story to the world.

“They’re both pregnant!” the cover proclaims.

The cover goes on to proclaim that both Kate and Meghan are “due the same day!”

That would be a real gamechanger, though, as we all know, due dates are more of an educated guess.

“A girl for Kate,” the headline continues. “And twins for Meghan!”

InTouch’s report continues with further details.

“Meghan,” they explain. “Conceived just a few weeks after Kate.”

And apparently this has forged a closer knit between the two duchesses.

“Kate and Meghan bonded over the men they married,” they reveal. “Now they’re bonding over being pregnant together.”

It wasn’t so long ago that the two were rumored to be royally feuding, but this report says that “That’s all water under the bridge now.”

InTouch offers a few more details.

“Meghan,” they say. “Wants to give birth in the U.S.”

Some people are more comfortable giving birth at home. Especially when that means that their child will also be an American citizen.

The repot says that, because Meghan’s “due date is around the same time as Kate’s,” there’s a very real possibility that “they could give birth the same day!”

“While the pregnancies are the subject of plenty of palace buzz,” the report confides. “The duchesses have only shared their news with a small group of friends and family.”

That all sounds so exciting.

But, as Gossip Cop points out, there are some apparent holes in the story.

First of all, InTouch says that the “palace confirms.” Kensington Palace has done no such thing, and reportedly said as much to Gossip Cop.

Second of all, do they have the same due date or are their due dates merely close to each other?

We know that due dates can sometimes be given as a range, but … it sounds like the story isn’t entirely straight.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Meghan and Harry were recently spotted on a lunch date in Dublin.

The two shared some beer with lunch. That might be standard in the British Isles, but it’s definitely not something that anyone should do when pregnant.

The world has just seen photos of Prince Louis’s Christening. Kate’s youngest looks so precious and cute — and Kate herself looks so radiant — that it’s easy to understand why people are eager for another royal baby.

(Or three)

But there is no indication that Kate or Meghan are pregnant.

Remember, Kate has extremely bad morning sickness — which is how we were able to predict her pregnancy last year a couple of weeks before it was announced.

And Meghan, as we mentioned, was washing down her lunch with Guiness.

Reports like these are always tempting because they can be exciting, but let’s keep a cool head and wait for news that we can verify.

We just got the latest royal baby a couple of months ago. We can be patient.


Meghan Markle Continues to Piss Off the Queen By Breaching Royal Protocol

We’re sure being royalty has its perks.

You get to call people peasants and sit in the fanciest chairs … all-in-all, it’s probably a pretty sweet gig.

But there are just so many freakin’ rules you have to follow.

It’s like someone combined being a celebrity with being in fourth grade and tossed in crowns to sweeten the deal.

If you’re raised as royalty, that’s one thing.

You’ve known since childhood that you would be forced to spend your adult life wearing a fake-ass smile and waving to the masses in a way that makes it look like you just learned how to wave.

But if you marry into the Windsor clan — especially after a relatively brief courtship — the culture shock is probably quite severe.

That’s what Meghan Markle seems to be learning the hard way these days, as she attempts to navigate the byzantine labyrinth that is royal protocol.

At one of her first public appearances as a royal, Meghan’s bare shoulders resulted in clutched pearls and shattered monocles all over the British Empire.

Shortly thereafter, Meghan had the audacity to try and hold Prince Harry’s hand in plain view of the plebes. 

Needless to say, another scandal ensued.

One would think that after being thoroughly admonished by royal traditionalists in the press, Meg would cool it on the modern attire and PDA, right?

Not so fast, guvnah!

According to several media outlets, Meghan stepped out sporting bare shoulders and clutching Harry’s arm at the 100th birthday celebration for the Royal Air Force yesterday.

And the insults to the crown didn’t end there.

Apparently, Meghan once again crossed her legs at the knee (a no-no, according to royal etiquette experts) in open defiance of the unwritten code of royal conduct.

For shame!

This is probably exactly what the Queen was afraid of when Harry married an American.

This is like that dreadful ordeal with those blasted New World colonies all over again.

Next thing you know, she’ll be downing hot dogs and Budweiser to commemorate the day that impertinent document was signed.


Meghan Markle’s Dad Thinks the Royals Have Stolen His Daughter

They say that when you marry someone, you marry their family, too.

Unfortunately for Prince Harry, his new wife Meghan Markle has a cool-ass mom but the rest of her relatives are flat-out garbage people with garbage souls.

For a long time, it looked as though Meghan’s half-sister, Samantha Grant, would be the worst of the lot.

But in the weeks since his daughter became a duchess, Meg’s dad, Thomas Markle, has been giving Samantha a run for her money in the terribleness department.

First, Thomas Markle skipped the wedding for reasons that still aren’t completely clear.

Then he proceeded to give a series of bonkers interviews to less-than-reputable outlets like TMZ, in which he seethed about everything from the way he’s been treated in the press to the fact that Donald Trump gets to meet the queen.

Those closest to Thomas say he feels as though he’s been abandoned by both Meghan and the royals.

He reportedly believes he’s been hung out to dry without anyone helping him to navigate the rough waters of constant media scrutiny.

“Thomas adores his daughter and swears he never wanted attention from the interviews,” a source close to Thomas tells Us Weekly.

“All he’s ever cared about is protecting Meghan.”

The insider adds that Thomas expected an open line of communication with the royals, saying:

“He wants the royals to stand by his side, but of course so far they haven’t.”

But if Thomas is waiting for an apology, we hope he’s not holding his breath.

Because apparently, Meghan thinks he’s the one who should be saying he’s sorry.

“Meghan hasn’t spoken to Thomas since the day after her wedding,” says a palace insider.

The source adds that the royals are “frustrated” that Thomnas continues to talk to grant interviews.

“Thomas is walking a fine line,” says a different informant.

“This blabbing needs to stop if he wants to maintain any relationship with Harry and Meghan.”

Needless to say, that seems extremely unlikely.

If we’ve learned anything about the Markle family, it’s that blabbing is what they do best — and Meghan made the right call by moving an ocean away from them.


Meghan Markle: Who Just Slammed Her as “Common?!?”

You can refer to members of The Royal Family as many things.

Spoiled, perhaps. Out of touch, maybe. Old fashioned, almost definitely.

But there’s one insult that rises above the rest.

There’s one word swipe you can take that will serve as a legitimate burn, something that will cause the Queen to look up from her Cream of Wheat and give you a true stink eye.

And a friend of Prince Charles just used this term to describe Meghan Markle’s loved ones.

Speaking to The Daily Mail, Nicky Haslam – was born to one of Queen Victoria’s goddaughters, went to school with Prince Charles and socialized with Princess Diana – took aim at Markle’s family and bashed them as “frightfully common.”

Yes, common.

This may sound relatively harmless and totally innocent, but think about it for a moment.

Is there anything worse you can say about someone associated with the Royal Family than referring to him or her as a “common” person?

We really don’t think so.

Meghan, of course, married Prince Harry on May 19.

Of all the details surrounding these monumental event, two things stood out, both of which Haslam had an opinion on.

First, Thomas Markle did not attend her daughter’s wedding; partly due to health problems and partly due to embarrassment over a paparazzi photo scandal in which he received money in exchange for a few not-exactly-candid poses.

Markle was crushed by her dad’s absence.

But Haslam was grateful he didn’t show up for the big day.

“It would have been awful if that huge lump had been there,” he told the aforementioned British newspaper.

The second thing to really note about this Royal Wedding was, naturally, Markle’s wedding dress.

What would it look like, folks wondered prior to the nuptials? Who would design it?

For the most part, reviews for the reviews of the Givenchy gown were positive in the hours and days after the ceremony, but Haslma has no idea why.

“I didn’t very much like her dress,” he says here. “It didn’t fit, among other things. It should have been made of thinner stuff, it seemed to be made of concrete.”

(Pop singer Katy Perry, we might as well add, also slammed Meghan’s dress, saying “I would have done one more fitting.”)

Nicky Haslam clearly sucks and isn’t really worth spending too much time on.

But sources tell Us Weekly that those even closer to the Royal Family are frustrated by Markle; or, to be more specific, frustrated by Marke’s father and the interviews he continues to give.

“Thomas is walking a fine line,” a source tells this tabloid. “This blabbing needs to stop if he wants to maintain any relationship with Harry and Meghan.”

Late last month, Thomas actually hurled some shade at Queen Elizabeth, wondering why President Trump has had a chance to meet her, but he has not.

“If the Queen is willing to meet our arrogant, ignorant, and insensitive president, she has no excuse not to meet me,” Thomas told TMZ, adding:

“I’m nowhere near as bad.”

On that point, we’re guessing even Haslam would agree.