Back in May, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry got married, and her family has spent the months since reminding us how awful they are and what a miracle it is that she grew up to be a functional human, much less a duchess.
In case you’ve remained blissfully unaware of the existence of Meg’s father, sister, and brother, believe us when they say they’re the absolute worst.
Here’s a brief recap of the past week in case you’re unwilling to take our word for it.
(You’re so untrusting, hypothetical reader. Gawd!)
First, we learned that Meg’s dad, Thomas Markle enjoys humiliating his daughter in inappropriately personal interviews.
But soon after, we learned Tom Sr. can’t hold a candle to his eldest offspring in the malicious insanity department.
First, the almost impressively-bonkers Samantha Markle tweeted that it will be Meghan’s fault when her father dies.
Next, the equally batsh-t Thomas Markle Jr. theorized that the queen and company are turning Meghan into a royal zombie.
Despite the fact that these people call the US of A their home, Meghan and Harry will soon deign to set foot on the same soil with a tour of America.
Yes, according to US Weekly, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex will soon take their first trip to her homeland as a married couple.
“They are so excited to head to the U.S.,” reveals a palace insider.
“Meghan is looking forward to introducing Harry to everything she loves about the U.S.”
As for the itinerary, the source says, “They are thinking New York, Washington, D.C., and California,” adding:
“They’re working to finalize locations and venues.”
As you may have noticed, there’s no mention of any plans to visit the various monsters of the Markle family.
So what is the goal of the trip (other than providing Harry an opportunity to visit the set of Suits)?
Well, apparently the newlyweds have an ambitious agenda in mind:
“Meghan and Harry want to solidify ties between the U.K. and the U.S.,” continues the source.
“They want to highlight and foster these relationships.”
Um … excuse us, but we think our big apricot baby president can handle foreign relations on his own, thankyouverymuch.
Did you not see him obliviously speed walk in front of the 92-year-old queen like she was a Midtown panhandler?
It was the ultimate cuck-trampling alpha move.
It was a gesture that says to the world, “Look out! I like my steaks well-done and brown children in cages!”
Don John is out here throwing Starbursts at world leaders like they’re frightened children on Halloween and he’s the boogeyman of the planet.
In conclusion, please save us, Harry and Meghan.
We’re not all as bad as the Markles.