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Bill Cosby Impresses Fellow Inmates, Earns Prison Nickname

Well, folks, it’s been about 24 hours since Bill Cosby was sentenced to prison and taken into custody.

It’s a positive development for just about everyone in the world, with the exceptions of Cosby himself and maybe a handful of wacky sweater enthusiasts.

Considering he appears to have raped scores of women over the course of several decades, Cosby’s 3-10 year sentence is appallingly light, but on the plus side, he’s 81, so there’s a good chance he’s tasted the sweet pudding pop of freedom for the last time.

Anyway, millions are rightly celebrating Cosby’s incarceration today, and we salute his victims for their bravery in coming forward and their persistence in seeing that this monster was brought to justice.

Another group that’s rightly jazzed (Get it? Because he likes jazz?) about the Cos being locked away are his fellow inmates.

Despite what Orange Is the New Black might have led you to believe, minimum security prisons are actually rather boring places where amusingly topical monologues are few and far between.

So the arrival of a celebrity inmate — particularly one as famous as Bill Cosby — is highly anticipated occasion.

“Prisoners are excited that Cosby is there,” a source close to the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections tells Radar Online.

“Even the toughest cellblocks showed respect for him.”

And it seems they’ve even done the disgraced comic the honor of granting him a prison nickname.

“They’re calling him the ‘OG’ — lingo for ‘original gangster,’” the insider claims.

We’re hoping that nickname is delivered with a healthy dose of irony, as Cosby spent the past 50 years chiding black men for the way they dress by day and drugging and raping women by night.

There’s nothing remotely gangster about either of those activities.

Earlier today, we reported that Cosby is trying to beg his way out of prison by claiming that he’s in danger due to his celebrity status.

Fortunately, prison authorities anticipated that argument, and they essentially shot it down with a statement issued moments ago:

“We are taking all of the necessary precautions to ensure Mr. Cosby’s safety and general welfare in our institution,” Corrections Secretary John Wetzel said.

“The long-term goal is for him to be placed in the general population to receive the programming required during his incarceration.”

Sounds like you may want to get comfortable, Mr. Cosby.

You’re gonna be in there longer than Theo got grounded when he took the car without permission. Zab-zippity!

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Jersey Shore Recap: The Dirty Hamster Earns Her Nickname

Angelina Pivarnick’s brief stint on Jersey Shore Family Vacation was probably a ratings stunt coordinated by the show’s producers, and not — as it was framed — a brainchild of prank war champion Pauly D.

The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island injected some much-needed drama into the proceedings, but last night, she was told to pack her garbage bags and head back north.

Pivarnick’s time on the show ended in fitting fashion, by which we mean, it was kind of gross and forgettable.

JWoww was burdened with the unenviable task of informing Angelina that her time in South Beach was over, and the conversation was surprisingly — and somewhat disappointingly — drama-free.

“I’m not mad at all,” Pivarnick responds to Jenni’s revelation that the rest of the group would like to “finish as a family.”

“I was able to be part of something I always regretted.” 

Pivarnick isn’t exactly known for her way with words (“Um, hello!” has gotta be one of the lamest catchphrases in the history of reality television.), but we think she meant to say she’d regretted the way her relationship with the guidos ended, and she welcomed the chance to make amends.

It briefly looked as though Angelina would go out on a high note, but then she drunkenly sh-t her pants in the cab on the ride home and proceeded to not STFU about it for the rest of the night.

Never change, Angelina. J/k, please change your soiled draws immediately.

Once Angelina had been returned to the reviled borough from whence she came, the cast embarked on a vacation within a vacation.

A vacation-ception if you will.

Yes, for reasons that are never entirely made clear, the guidos head to the Bahamas, where the most interesting to happen was the big reveal that Mike’s abs are no longer shredded.

Just when we were wondering if it was too late to bring back Angelina, the show worked in a pair of subplots that might liven up the proceedings a bit. 

The operative word there is “might.”

First, there’s a poorly-acted scene in which Vinny’s mom is upset that she’s unable to get ahold of him, so she heads to Miami in the company of the ultra-pervy Uncle #MeToo.

(At this point, they should just show producers proposing the idea to these cameo characters, instead of asking us to believe that a camera crew just happened to be hanging out in the Guadagnino residence while Ma was blowing up the duck phone,)

Next, we learn that Mike’s girlfriend will be paying a visit to Miami, where Mike will obviously pop the question, because producers have been telegraphing that “twist” since episode one.

Join us again next week, where we’ll pick apart the Sitch’s proposal and continue complaining about how nothing really happens on Shore, whilst simultaneously acknowledging that we’d tune in for an hour of Snooki reading the phone book out loud.

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Michael Rapaport Slams Donald Trump for ‘Stealing’ Nickname Sloppy Steve Bannon

Michael Rapaport says Donald Trump ripped off his idea for “Sloppy Steve Bannon,” claiming he came up with the nickname a year ago … and he’s got the proof. Mike posted a video Sunday in which he slams Trump for allegedly stealing his OG…

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Kate Middleton Reveals Nickname from Her Schoolgirl Days

Catherine Middleton is a mother and a princess, but back in the day, she had a school nickname when she attended St. Andrews in Pangbourne, Berkshire.

And no, she wasn’t known as “The Duchess” or even “Kate.”

This one was a little weirder.

Princess Kate was once nicknamed “Squeak.”

Apparently, that was the name of one of the school guinea pigs.

The other was named “Pip.”

Get it? Pip and Squeak?

Because tough guys on old cartoons called people pipsqueaks.

Since Pippa Middleton was called “Pip” after the other, we think that we understand how the nicknames came about.

Which means that poor Kate Middleton was just, like, collateral damage for her sister’s nickname.

First of all, we don’t know what sort of school has school pets.

Like, the high school on Buffy The Vampire Slayer had a pet pig as a sort of mascot … but he got eaten.

By Paul Rudd. … Long story.

But we guess that these guinea pigs were more like class pets, which aren’t so unusual here in the States.

We had our share of class fish and at least one class hamster in elementary school, though they were provided by the teachers.

We guess that private British schools that future princesses attend just have school pets.

That’s just a guess, though, since most of what we know about the British schooling system was gleamed from reading between the lines in Harry Potter.

For all that we know, Kate could have had other, less flattering nicknames growing up.

Unlike “Squeak,” maybe they weren’t the sorts that she’d choose to share in a visit to her old school.

But … we could see her as having never had a nasty nickname.

She’s notoriously kind and she’s also stunningly gorgeous.

Sure, nowadays Kate gets accused of parenting fails like every other celebrity, but it’s easy to imagine her having been well-liked in school.

Though … possibly privately resented by more than a few classmates.

I grew up with the name “Simon,” so I’m no stranger to nicknames.

Honestly, “Squeak” is about as benign as they come.

You could 100% reach or watch, like, a fantasy story where one of the main characters is named Squeak.

They’d probably be a thief or a mouse or something, but still.

And, as far as ways of getting a nickname are concerned, “association with your sister’s innocuous nickname” isn’t a bad way to get one.

Better than having your most humiliating moment immortalized in a nickname, for example.

But while we don’t know what good sharing that anecdote with students at her old stomping grounds will do, it was probably neat for them to see her.

Even if, like so many of the British people, some of those students support the abolition of the monarchy.

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