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Meghan Markle to Queen: Help! My Dad Is Ruining My Life!

Back in May, Meghan Markle married Prince Harry in front of an audience of millions.

The newlywed phase is a famously happy time for any couple, and as a bonus, Meghan recently became royalty.

All-in-all a pretty solid summer for the Suits actress.

Alas, her father, Thomas Markle, has devoted himself to raining on her parade the entire time.

In a seemingly endless series of interviews, Thomas has berated Meghan and attempted to destroy her carefully-cultivated public image.

Fortunately, most who are paying attention to the situation have been able to see through Thomas’ desperate con game.

As for what he stands to gain from all of this aside from the money he gets from the shady media outlets he’s been speaking to, that’s anyone’s guess.

As far as we can tell, Thomas is just a bitter SOB with an ax to grind — and not surprisingly, his anger is beginning to take a major emotional toll on his daughter.

Now, a source tells London tabloid The Mirror that Meghan has enlisted some help in dealing with her idiot dad:

“Meghan is deeply hurt by what is happening and everything is being done behind the scenes to make sure her welfare is at the top of the agenda,” says the insider.

“It’s an increasingly desperate ­situation and now it’s come down to three options being on the table.”

Those options are as follows:

“Firstly, Meghan could contact her father straight away and appeal to him directly to ask him to stop hurting her, but right now she’s decided to cut him off,” the source claims.

“There is a possibility an ­intermediary could meet with him and appeal to him to stop making such hurtful ­statements.

“The final option would be for Meghan to cut him off completely in the hope he will stop, but the situation is so precarious no one knows when that would be.”

According to Paul Dampier, a writer who has been covering the royal family for several decades, the feeling at Buckingham Palace is that the Thomas situation “has gotten out of control.”

“If this carries on I wouldn’t be surprised if the Queen herself gets involved and bangs a few heads together.”

Yes, there have been rumblings that QE2 is threatening to get involved.

We assume those heads Dampier referred to will be knocking around in a bucket after the Queen separates them from their bodies.

Sure she hasn’t beheaded anyone yet, but that’s gotta be on her monarchical bucket list, and at 92 she really shouldn’t go wasting any opportunities.

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Meghan Markle Would Make a Better Queen Than Kate Middleton, Psychotic Brother Claims

When Meghan Markle married Prince Harry back in May, she instantly became the Duchess of Sussex.

It’s a slightly better situation than when you got married and instantly became burdened by someone else’s student loan debt and sh-tty credit score.

Anyway, the good news is that Meghan is the only person on the planet ever to make the leap from basic cable legal drama to duchess.

The bad news is, that’s about as high as she’s gonna climb in the royal hierarchy.

But if you’re a Meg fan who thinks the royals should just give her the keys to Buckingham Palace and let an American take a crack at this “queen” job, you’re certainly not alone.

Meghan has some terrible siblings who make a point of embarrassing her every chance they get.

Usually, they do so by trash talking her to anyone who will listen.

But recently, Meg’s brother, Thomas Markle Jr. decided to pursue a different strategy by throwing shade at her in-laws instead.

“With Meghan’s determination and Harry’s charismatic personality above William, Harry and Meghan would be a great king & queen some day and make the Royal Family proud,” Thomas wrote in an open letter to Queen Elizabeth II.

As you probably already know, Prince Charles is next in line for the throne, followed by his son, Prince William.

That means it’s extremely unlikely that Prince Harry will ever become king.

In fact, that would necessitate Shakespearean levels of bloodshed.

And even if Harry became king, that wouldn’t make Meghan queen.

But Thomas doesn’t have time for all your “rules” and “logic.”

He knows what’s best for the royal family, and he wants the whole world to know it.

Yes, if you’re keeping track at home, this is the same brother who previously accused the Brits of turning Meghan into a royal “zombie.”

It seems he’s now changed his tack and decided that Meg is not the worst thing on two legs.

In fact, Thomas now believes his sister should literally be the next Queen of England.

Apparently, as long as the take is hot, Tom wants to claim it for his own.

Hopefully, dude is currently in his fifteenth minute of fame, because we really can’t stand much more of him.

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Meghan Markle Continues to Piss Off the Queen By Breaching Royal Protocol

We’re sure being royalty has its perks.

You get to call people peasants and sit in the fanciest chairs … all-in-all, it’s probably a pretty sweet gig.

But there are just so many freakin’ rules you have to follow.

It’s like someone combined being a celebrity with being in fourth grade and tossed in crowns to sweeten the deal.

If you’re raised as royalty, that’s one thing.

You’ve known since childhood that you would be forced to spend your adult life wearing a fake-ass smile and waving to the masses in a way that makes it look like you just learned how to wave.

But if you marry into the Windsor clan — especially after a relatively brief courtship — the culture shock is probably quite severe.

That’s what Meghan Markle seems to be learning the hard way these days, as she attempts to navigate the byzantine labyrinth that is royal protocol.

At one of her first public appearances as a royal, Meghan’s bare shoulders resulted in clutched pearls and shattered monocles all over the British Empire.

Shortly thereafter, Meghan had the audacity to try and hold Prince Harry’s hand in plain view of the plebes. 

Needless to say, another scandal ensued.

One would think that after being thoroughly admonished by royal traditionalists in the press, Meg would cool it on the modern attire and PDA, right?

Not so fast, guvnah!

According to several media outlets, Meghan stepped out sporting bare shoulders and clutching Harry’s arm at the 100th birthday celebration for the Royal Air Force yesterday.

And the insults to the crown didn’t end there.

Apparently, Meghan once again crossed her legs at the knee (a no-no, according to royal etiquette experts) in open defiance of the unwritten code of royal conduct.

For shame!

This is probably exactly what the Queen was afraid of when Harry married an American.

This is like that dreadful ordeal with those blasted New World colonies all over again.

Next thing you know, she’ll be downing hot dogs and Budweiser to commemorate the day that impertinent document was signed.

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