Meghan Markle Continues to Piss Off the Queen By Breaching Royal Protocol

We’re sure being royalty has its perks.

You get to call people peasants and sit in the fanciest chairs … all-in-all, it’s probably a pretty sweet gig.

But there are just so many freakin’ rules you have to follow.

It’s like someone combined being a celebrity with being in fourth grade and tossed in crowns to sweeten the deal.

If you’re raised as royalty, that’s one thing.

You’ve known since childhood that you would be forced to spend your adult life wearing a fake-ass smile and waving to the masses in a way that makes it look like you just learned how to wave.

But if you marry into the Windsor clan — especially after a relatively brief courtship — the culture shock is probably quite severe.

That’s what Meghan Markle seems to be learning the hard way these days, as she attempts to navigate the byzantine labyrinth that is royal protocol.

At one of her first public appearances as a royal, Meghan’s bare shoulders resulted in clutched pearls and shattered monocles all over the British Empire.

Shortly thereafter, Meghan had the audacity to try and hold Prince Harry’s hand in plain view of the plebes. 

Needless to say, another scandal ensued.

One would think that after being thoroughly admonished by royal traditionalists in the press, Meg would cool it on the modern attire and PDA, right?

Not so fast, guvnah!

According to several media outlets, Meghan stepped out sporting bare shoulders and clutching Harry’s arm at the 100th birthday celebration for the Royal Air Force yesterday.

And the insults to the crown didn’t end there.

Apparently, Meghan once again crossed her legs at the knee (a no-no, according to royal etiquette experts) in open defiance of the unwritten code of royal conduct.

For shame!

This is probably exactly what the Queen was afraid of when Harry married an American.

This is like that dreadful ordeal with those blasted New World colonies all over again.

Next thing you know, she’ll be downing hot dogs and Budweiser to commemorate the day that impertinent document was signed.


Meghan Markle’s Dad Is PISSED That Trump Gets to Meet the Queen!

When Meghan Markle married Prince Harry last month, her father was not in attendance.

It’s still not entirely clear why Thomas Markle chose to stay home rather than watch his daughter become freakin’ royalty, but not surprisingly, it seems he now regrets the decision.

Thomas, Queen, Donald

It seems Thomas has been shut out by the royals, and he’s not happy about it.

Of course, that could have something to do with his decision to live-chat with TMZ during his daughter’s nuptials.

Apparently, he’s particularly pissed after learning that Queen Elizabeth II will be sitting down for bunless Big Macs with our wacky commander-in-chief, Donald Trump.

“If the Queen is willing to meet our arrogant, ignorant, and insensitive president, she has no excuse not to meet me.” Thomas recently told TMZ.

“I’m nowhere near as bad.” 

But, bruh … you totally had a chance to meet her, and you decided to stay home and Skype with Harvey Levin instead.

Plus, if your argument is that you’re “not as bad” as Donald John Trump, you’re already starting from a losing position.

And as repugnant as Donnie might be, you’ve got to admit that he’s a tad more accomplished than you are, Tom.

Your main point is along the lines of “I didn’t kill nearly as many people as Stalin, but he gets to be in the history books while I’m just frightening people on this public bus?! Absurd, I say!”

Anyway, Thomas says the reason he’s being shut out is that he gave a TV interview Good Morning Britain, best known on this side of the pond as the show that keeps Piers Morgan semi-relevant.

In the interview, Thomas maintained that it was his health that kept him at home.

“The doctors said,’ This is what doctors call the widow maker,'” he said about his heart condition.

“It would have killed me.”

There are those who doubt Thomas’ version of events and feel that he actually remained in the States as a result of his embarrassment over a bizarre mini-scandal involving the sale of paparazzi photos.

Whatever the case, it seems that if given the chance, Thomas would do things very differently.

“I’m a footnote in one of the greatest moments in history rather than the dad walking her down the aisle…So, that upsets me somewhat,” he noted.

“I regretted it because I really wanted to walk my daughter down the aisle…I wanted that moment. But I’m thankful for everything the way it went.”

The English are said to be particularly upset about the snub due to the fact that they named their muffins after him.

Folks, we’ll be here all week.


Queen Elizabeth II to Meghan Markle: You Better Have a Son!

It’s been less than three weeks since Meghan Markle and Prince Harry got married, but the couple isn’t wasting any time when it comes to the business of starting a family.

We’ve known from the start that Harry and Meghan want to have kids ASAP, but now the issue is somewhat complicated by those stodgy Brits and their dodgy rules about inheritance.

You see, when Harry and Meg tied the knot they were granted the titles of Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

This is one of those customs that no one understands but has been observed for since time immemorial regardless.

Those titles were created specifically for Harry and Meghan, and as far we can tell the sole reason is that “Prince and Prince’s Wife” just doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Anyway, there have been lots of jokes about the pressure on Meghan to give birth to a male heir, but the royal family is such an absurd institution that her kids may actually be punished if they dare to commit the unpardonable offense of lacking ding-dongs.

Yes, People magazine confirmed this week that if Harry and Meghan only have daughters, the girls will not inherit the Sussex title.

Yet again, no one at Buckingham Palace could give you a satisfying explanation for why this is.

But you can bet several people would look at you like a blithering dolt for asking about it.

The news doesn’t come as much of a shock, because wangs are of the utmost importance in the Brit’s peerage system.

But like so much of the news you hear about in 2018, it does make you want to go, “Really?! That’s still going on?”

Of course, rule changes are not unheard of, and it’s anyone’s guess who will be occupying the throne by the time Harry and Meghan’s currently-non-existent kids reach adulthood.

Queen Elizabeth II is 92, so unless she turns out to be a cyborg — as we’ve long suspected — then it will probably be Prince Charles, Prince William, or someone else entirely.

Will means the current system could be tossed out the window entirely.

On a lighter note, QE2 has entirely turned her back on Meg and Harry.

In fact, she gave them a freakin’ country house as a wedding gift this week.

Stuff like that really softens the blow of your kids not being granted some meaningless title.

It’s an absurd conversation for to even be having at this point, as Harry and Meghan might not even have daughters.

And even if they do, Suits: The Next Generation will probably be a massive hit on the USA Network today by then, which means the girls probably won’t be hurting for work.