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Jersey Shore Recap: Ronnie’s French Fry Situation Gets Greasy

Rahn, stahp!

Those are the words that viewers might find themselves shouting at their screens throughout the study in arrested development that is Jersey Shore Family Vacation.

Several members of the guido squadron have matured in surprising and satisfying ways, but as Pauly D so eloquently observed, Ronnie-Ortiz Magro remains the president for life of the IFF (the esteemed I’m F–ked Foundation).

This week’s episode saw Ronnie making a brave and foolish gambit by sticking to his “deny everything” credo.

(To his credit, we suppose it takes balls to go on TV and admit that the guiding motto of your life is “lie all the time.”)

Just last month, Ronnie welcomed his first child, but at the time JSFV was filmed, his then-girlfriend, Jen Harley, was pregnant with Magro’s baby.

Needless to say, really adds an additional layer of awfulness to his decision to cheat on Jen with a European club-goer who was unfortunately dubbed “French Fry” by Ron’s roommates.

But did Ron really cheat – or did he just take flirting several steps too far?

We may never know for sure thanks to that damn “automatic door-closer” (Ron’s lies have been more amusing than Pauly’s catchphrases this season, which is really saying something.), but frankly, it doesn’t look good.

“She’s building it all up in her head from [videos] of me twirling a girl,” Ron opined after bizarrely ratting himself out in a conversation with Jen.

“It’s not like the girl was grinding on me or was bent over,” he added.

When Vinny Guadagnino aptly points out that French Fry did, in fact, grind on Ron’s junk. the famous agro Magro ‘roid rage rears its ugly head.

“I did not close the door, and you know what, I didn’t know that the f—king door had an ‘automatic closer’ out of nowhere,” Ronnie argued as a flashback clip of him closing the door to “see if it works” appeared on our screens.”

“So the door shut, so it looked worse than what it really was. I did not shut the door.”

The episode concluded with Jen actually showing up at the house and the question of how long it will take The Situation to blow up Ron’s spot lingered over the ostensibly happy scene.

These days, of course, reality TV shows are multimedia affairs.

We watch the events of several months ago unfold on our TV screens, and then we get real-time updates on social media.

So while last night’s episode may have ended with a cliffhanger, we know exactly how the Ronnie-Jen situation plays out – in a word, horribly.

Just last week, Ronnie called Jen a “c-m dumpster” in a bizarre Instagram rant in which he also accused her of refusing to delete sex tapes she made with her ex.

Now, Ronnie is rumored to be dating Scheana Marie of Vanderpump Rules, which is likely to result in a bi-coastal mess.

It may be painful to watch at times, but the guidos should be insanely grateful for Ron’s drama, as it allows them to bitch about botched haircuts for comic relief while their boy delivers the fireworks that keep people tuning in.

Watch Jersey Shore online to relive all the years of beach-adjacent madness.

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The Situation: ENGAGED to Lauren Pesce!

If you’ve been watching Jersey Shore Family Vacation, you may have found that you barely recognize the closest thing the show had to a villain in its initial iteration.

We’re talking, of course, about Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

When the guidos and guidettes first descended upon Seaside Heights, New Jersey back in 2009, the Sitch represented the very worst of what they had to offer.

A creature of pure ego and appetite, Sorrentino provided a lot of ammo for critics of the show’s perceived negative impact on our culture.

While his roommates certainly liked to drink, party and hookup, Mike took all of those behaviors to their most harmful extremes by being disrespectful toward women and descending into addiction.

These days Sorrentino is facing jail time for tax evasion, but the silver lining to his – ahem – situation is that 

Mike is now two years sober, and as we learned following last night’s episode of Shore, he recently got engaged to longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce.

The 35-year-old posted the above photo to his Instagram page Thursday night, along with a caption reading (of course):

“GYM TAN WE’RE ENGAGED!!” 

Say what you will about the man, he’s certainly not letting go of those catchphrases.

It’s obviously an exciting time for Mike and Lauren, but there are some dark clouds looming on the horizon.

Sorrentino has yet to be sentenced for allegedly failing to pay taxes on millions in earnings.

Which means, of course, that he and Lauren might have to either push their big day back a couple years, or begin their time as husband and wife in two very different living situations.

Whatever happens, fans are obviously very happy for Mike and in perhaps the most testament to the fact that the man really has changed, is roommates are thrilled for the Sitch as well.

Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who’s been Mike’s most frequent companion on JSFV, has described him as a changed man “and the best version of himself.”

From JWoww’s lips to the sentencing judge’s ears.

Our sincere congrats go out to Mike and Lauren, and we wish them both all the best going forward.

Watch Jersey Shore online for more on the evolution of the Situation.

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Jersey Shore Family Vacation Recap: Sex Doll Sammi & the Sober Situation

Jersey Shore Family Vacation made its long-awaited debut on MTV last night, and the consensus among viewers seems to be that while the guidos and guidettes didn’t quite deliver the same bonkers energy and smush-room shenanigans of their initial run, it was nice to check in with TV’s most heavily spray-tanned cast.

Of course, not everyone was able to make it to South Beach to enjoy all the fist-pumping and facial fillers.

Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola was sadly absent from the reunion for reasons that weren’t made entirely clear in last night’s episode.

(In a recent Instagram post, Sammi explained that she’s in a “completely different place” in her life these days, and she wants to avoid potentially “TOXIC SITUATIONS,” which most interpreted as a jab at her ex, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro.)

But that doesn’t mean Sammi was forgotten.

No, the cast paid tribute to Giancola with a sex doll forged in her image.

The disturbing doppelganger even sported a t-shirt reading “I’m in a really good place right now” and spouted pre-recorded snippets of dialogue, most notably, “Roooon, stahhhhp!”

And with that appropriately tawdry blast from the past (and the help of a few dozen liters of wine) the initial awkwardness of reuniting comes to an end and the cast is officially ready to make Miami a much greasier place.

Of course, a lot has changed since the guidos parted ways in Seaside Heights way back in 2011.

Snooki, JWoww and Pauly D all have kids now. Ronnie’s girlfriend is seven months pregnant. Vinny is so committed to his keto diet he won’t even dog a slice of pizza while thoroughly hammered.

And of course, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino might soon be imprisoned for tax evasion.

Sorrentino’s legal entanglements very nearly prevented him from making the trip, but when he did finally meet up with his former roommates, we learned that he’s matured into a very different Sitch.

The Situation is sober and in a relationship now, which should put him in a prime position to be incredibly bored and mildly irritated for the remainder of the season.

Of course, these days, Mike is actually well-liked by the rest of the cast (with the apparent exception of Ronnie), which means he’ll likely receive plenty of support from people who want to make sure he stays on the wagon and out of prison.

Frankly, we have mixed feelings about Sorrentino’s current … situation.

Yes, it’s nice that he’s grown into a better person, but will a sober, non-confrontational Sitch bring much to the table in terms of entertainment value?

And we won’t even get into the ethical questions about tossing a recently-convicted felon and a recovering addict into a lion’s den of temptation.

The premiere episode concluded with blackouts of both the electrical and drunken variety, as well as the decision to toss Sex Doll Sammi into the pool.

This led to Snooki losing her wedding rings, which in turn, led her to drunkenly arriving at the decision to go home.

Obviously, she’s not really gonna leave, and considering her earnings have been in the seven-figure range for nearly a decade now, it’s hard to get too concerned about her lost diamonds.

Ultimately, the final scene served to remind us that while Family Vacation may be entertaining at times, the cast will never be able to recapture the lightning in a bottle that was their first run on MTV.

While episodes used to conclude with barroom brawls, now we have concocted drama over lost jewelry.

All-in-all, it was a step up from the abysmally lame Jersey Shore reunion special that aired last year, but these guidos will need to step their game up if they want to continue leading fans into the smush room.

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Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino’s Lawyer Wants to Postpone Sentencing, Due to Tax Season

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino got burned for not paying taxes, but now it might be tax season that buys him more time as a free man.  Mike’s facing up to 5 years in prison for tax evasion charges after pleading guilty in…

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Bills Coach Sean McDermott Calls Zay Jones’ Naked Arrest ‘Unfortunate Situation’

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott is finally addressing Zay Jones’ bizarre penthouse arrest … saying it’s an “unfortunate situation” … but hopes it can be a learning experience for the young player. We broke the story … Zay was arrested…

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Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino Exotic Car Shopping with Ronnie, Vinny and Pauly D

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s in a dancing mood checking out luxury whips … probably because he doesn’t have to stress about dropping cash on one of them. The Sitch was with his ‘Jersey Shore’ pals Ronnie, Vinny and Pauly D Monday in…

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Mike ‘The Situation’ Shuns Alcohol in ‘Jersey Shore’ Reunion’s First Night Out

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino went booze-less during the “Jersey Shore” cast’s first official night out. Paps got Mike out Tuesday night with the rest of his GTL crew at a South Beach club, and he was clutching a Red Bull can the entire time.…

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The Situation Pleads Guilty to Tax Fraud, Braces For Prison

Last week, we learned that Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino’s tax fraud case has turned into quite the situation.

(Sorry, but one of the many downsides of giving yourself a dumb nickname in your twenties is that people will throw it in your face for the remainder of your days.) 

We’ve known for several months that The Situation might be facing jail time in connection with trying to hide approximately $ 9 million in earnings from the IRS.

But now, things are really coming to a head, as Sorrentino has pled guilty to charges that could land him behind bars for up to 15 years.

As The Ashley’s Reality Roundup reports, Mike was in court on Friday entering his plea.

His attorney issued a statement in which he pled for clemency from the judge:

“The plea terms call for a balance between punishing the wrong committed and conditions that facilitate Mike living a productive, law-abiding life moving forward,” the statement reads.

“Following through on this plea agreement, Michael intends to pay restitution before sentencing.”

We’re not sure what the taxes on $ 9 million in earnings are like, but we’re guessing it amounts to a hell of a lot more than the freakin’ Situation is able to come up with on short notice.

Mike’s situation scenario is dire, but it could be a lot worse.

For example, his brother, who allegedly masterminded the tax evasion is facing a whopping 25 years in the slammer!

And don’t worry Shore fanatics–Mike has obtained permission to temporarily relocate to Miami in order to participate in the show’s reunion, which is currently filming.

We don’t know about you, but this story is causing us some seriously mixed emotions.

On the one hand, the fact that The Sitch earned so much money that he thought he’d be able to hide $ 9 million makes us want to bang our heads into the wall until we stop feeling feelings.

On the other hand, his effort to bilk Uncle Sam proved woefully unsuccessful, which kind of reaffirms our faith in both the justice system and karma.

(Dude was often on colossal d-bag on Shore.)

On the … third hand (?) Mike has provided us with hours of entertainment over the years, and the thought of dude spending a decade and a half behind bars is undeniably a bummer.

This is real human drama here, folks.

Frankly, we’re starting to think MTV should Jersey Shore: Family Vacation on hold so they can start production on an 18-hour docu-drama about the story of the Sitch.

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Mike ‘The Situation’ Pleads Guilty to Tax Fraud, Judge OKs trip to Florida for ‘Jersey Shore’

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino just entered a guilty plea in his tax evasion case … but this situation ain’t ALL bad news. The “Jersey Shore” star — flanked by his girlfriend Lauren Pesce — entered his plea in federal court Friday in…

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