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Megan Fox to Brian Austin Green: Hey, Thanks for All the Sperm!

Is this gorgeous couple ready to pop out yet another child?

Brian Austin Green confessed to wanting, after having four sons, to have a daughter.

And Megan Fox follows up with a humorous post that thanks him for providing her with his DNA. You might need some context for this.

Megan Fox has a fun sense of humor and she’s a fantastic mom.

A decade ago, we might not have believed that we’d one day make that statement, but here we are.

(To be fair, a decade ago, Megan Fox was still largely defined by her role in Michael Bay’s twisted abomination of a Transformers franchise. There are good Transformers stories out there, folks, but you won’t see them in theaters)

Megan Fox, as a mother, is sort of goofy and New Agey about things like pregnancy.

Before Megan Fox gave birth to her third baby, a boy named Journey, she bought a new house because, and we’re not making this up, Megan believed that her unborn child didn’t like the old house.

Like we said, goofy and New Agey.

Of course, Megan Fox has come under fire for her parenting before.

But just by folks who wig out if they see a boy wearing a dress, because fabric has genders or whatever.

Our favorite bit of backlash over Noah’s enthusiasm for Frozen was truly next-level:

“Putting your son in a dress conforming to the gay trans illuminati agenda. Burn in hell witch! You’re sickening!”

That level of belief in multiple conspiracy theories and bigotry combined?

That’s art.

So, on the subject of being a parent, Brian Austin Green was recently interviewed by Dax Holt.

And … Brian Austin Green really wants a baby girl, you guys.

The couple have three sons together:

-Noah, who is 4.

-Bodhi, who is 3.

-Journey, who is about 1.

Brian Austin Green also has a 15-year-old son, Kassius, from a previous marriage. So he has four sons.

Naturally, Dax asked if he was in the market for more.

“I don’t know. I have four boys now, a fifth is a basketball team. So, that would kind of be awesome.”

We didn’t know that basketball teams had five people, so you learn something new every day! Even if it’s sometimes about sports.

“I want a girl. I really want a girl.”

That sounds like something that shouldn’t matter, but whatever.

“I’m worried that if I try I’ll just get another boy. Not ‘just’ ‘cause I love my boys, but I’ll have another boy, and I don’t know if I’m ready for five.”

If you’re ready for five children, you’re ready for five girls or five boys. They both eat food and sleep in beds. Apart from social factors, they’re not that different.

Megan Fox took to Instagram shortly after the interview aired to share her take on it.

“Thank you for donating your DNA to the shared dream of birthing our own colony of teen heart throbs. #mcm #colonymission”

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green got back together a while ago and are both parents, so it’s pretty clear that Megan is joking.

It is, first of all, just a funny caption to write.

Also it’s entertaining to imagine them breeding a small army of future boyband singers and models and what-not.

(With Megan Fox’s genes? Nobody would stand a chance)

But thanking Brian Austin Green for “donating his DNA” is just a couple of rephrases short of “thanks for all the sperm,” which is objectively funny.

Again, though, they’re still in a relationship so this isn’t the thing where people refer to their exes as “sperm-donors” because that’s their only role.

Honestly, rumor about a decade ago didn’t paint a picture of Megan Fox that at all resembled the Megan Fox that we now know and love.

Of course, that “image” that we saw of Megan Fox was built off of her struggle to get along with Michael Bay, who turns out to be as bad at social interaction as he is at making an intelligible, coherent film about giant robotic aliens that turn into vehicles.

(He’s a douche, basically)

Honestly, we love updates on Megan Fox and her family. There’s always something entertaining.

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Florida Woman: Yes, I Tried to Impregnate My Slave with My Boyfriend’s Sperm

Here is a story you don’t read about everyday:

A Florida woman has pleaded guilty to paying $ 3,000 in order to have a Mexican woman smuggled into the United States…

… prior to holding this woman captive for two years and attempting to impregnate her with syringes containing her boyfriend’s sperm.

According to actual court documents (obtained by People Magazine), 47-year old Esthela Clark confessed to a single count of forced labor during an appearance in federal court Monday morning.

The Jacksonville native faces 20 years in jail at her sentencing next month.

Clark paid the aforementioned sum to a group of men (known as “coyotes”) in 2012 for bringing a 22-year-old woman across the border.

The victim was apparently promised $ 4,000 to serve as a surrogate for Clark and her boyfriend.

However, the legal papers indicate she told authorities she was told the process would be overseen by medical professionals, as is often the case in these kinds of situations.

The victim has not been unidentified.

But she explained to federal agents how Clark forbade her from leaving her one-bedroom condominium in Jacksonville, telling her quasi slave that the neighborhood was dangerous and that she “would most likely be killed” if she went outside.

Clark warned this victim that she read Tarot cards and told her that if she ever tried to hide anything, “Clark would find out,” the documents read.

florida map

Things get even more disturbing from there.

Other takeaway from the legal documents include:

  • The woman was forced to sleep on a mattress in the dining room.
  • A week after arriving in the United States, the woman alleges that Clark tried to inseminate her with syringes containing sperm, which had been retrieved from used condoms.
  • According to court filings, Clark and her unnamed boyfriend would have sexual intercourse and she would later extract semen from the contraceptive.

We’ll give you a few moments to pick your jaw up from off the floor and/or to go deposit your latest meal in the toilet…

The woman told police that Clark would occasionally inject her three to four times a day with these syringes.

After nine months of impregnation failure, the woman said Clark grew physical and psychologically abusive, forcing her to perform “domestic labor.”

The documents detail this labor as such chores as looking after Clark’s dog and cleaning her residence.

From there, the victim says Clark began rationing her food because she believed her captive was too fat and that her difficulty getting pregnant stemmed from her excessive weight, according to the documents.

The woman was fed only beans and lost 65 pounds.

“Clark isolated the victim from her family,” a statement from federal prosecutors reads. “She also attempted to collect from the victim’s family the cost she had paid to the ‘coyotes,’ with interest.”

Oh, and then there’s this:

Clark forced the woman “to have sex with two complete strangers through threats of force and coercion,” authorities state on the record, saying she threatened to hurt her family if she ever attempted to escape

A.t one point, Clark made the woman to work in local restaurants … but kept all of her earnings.

After an acquaintance of the victim learned what was going on, she contacted authorities with various sordid, illegal details.

Clark was indicted in 2015 on charges of bringing in and harboring aliens, sex trafficking of children, forced labor and furthering slave traffic.

Neither her nor anyone on he legal team has spoken out on this horrific accusations.

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Personal Trainer Credits Sperm Smoothies For Insane Body

In a world that’s increasingly fitness- and diet-obsessed, people will try anything … but this sexy personal trainer’s method may surprise you.

Her unusual, all-natural source of protein?

Semen. With other organic ingredients.

Tracy Kiss, a 29-year-old trainer, author, model, blogger, TV personality and social influencer, swears by this unique, beneficial product.

The key to her flawless body, she says, is her daily “sperm smoothie,” which Tracy touts for a variety of health and wellness attributes.

We are not making this up. Don’t even ask.

Her physical well-being, from the inside out, all starts with drinking a sperm smoothie every damn day, and whatever it is she’s doing works.

Just look at the girl for crying out loud …

Beyond the visual evidence, Kiss is reportedly a vegan and a certified nutrition adviser, so she seems to know her stuff in this regard.

Tracy doesn’t always drink it straight up (although she’s not opposed); Kiss mixes it in with seeds, fruit and almond or coconut milk.

According to Kiss, sperm wards off illnesses like the flu, gives her tons of energy throughout her busy day and keeps her very, very happy.

“Sperm is an awesome product and we should stop being so ridiculous about it,” she says, before answering the million-dollar question:

“I’m not there while it’s being made.”

So how is it … made? By whom?

“My friend just brings it round in a container, like a little takeaway tub, and I put it on my face,” she says, begging so many more questions.

“There’s nothing seedy about it,” she adds, pun not intended presumably, and Kiss also confronts the stigma that exists head on:

“I’ve tasted my own bodily fluids.”

“In sexual terms, some people put their tongue up someone’s bum. In relationships, you put fingers in holes, you taste things.”

“You don’t see it as cringe-worthy.”

But, she says with appropriate levels of self-awareness, “when you take away the passion and say it’s scientific, people don’t like it.” 

Kiss doesn’t just guzzle it down, either.

She reportedly advocates for the use of semen face masks – not like gritty, cheating, revenge porn masks, but more for the skin hydration.

With semen, you can fight conditions like rosacea, she says. What’s not to love about staying healthy and happy from organic means?

Experts say you can achieve similar benefits by using egg yolks or other products, but we don’t expect Tracy Kiss to switch over anytime soon.

Nor should she. See pics above.

One wonders if other super hot celebrity bodies (below) are achieved using similarly unconventional tactics, or whether they should be?

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