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Stormy Daniels Writes at Length About Donald Trump’s “Unusual Penis”

Stormy Daniels is coming … out with a new book.

The strong and proud porn star has penned "Full Disclosure," a memoir that mostly details her affair with Donald Trump.

The affair took place prior to Trump being elected President and Daniels writes in the book that she was in literal shock as Trump continued to win primary after primary in 2016.

But who really cares about her political opinions, right?

We know you're all here to read what Daniels had to say about sex with Trump, and we promise:

She does not let you down.

Consider yourself warned and then click through the following photos and slides to see to whom Stormy Daniels compares the President of the United States.

1. Wait, Stormy Daniels Wrote a Book?

Full disclosure
Yes. Does this really come as a surprise? It will reportedly tell her “whole story for the first time” and it will be available for purchase on October 2.

2. Who is Stormy Daniels Again?

Stormy daniels up close
Here’s a quick refresher: Daniels slept with Trump in 2006. She says they only had this one sexual encounter, but that she kept in touch with Trump for several years afterward. One month before the 2016 Presidential Election, Trump has admitted to paying Daniels $ 130,000 in exchange for her silence over the affair.

3. HOWEVER…

Stormy daniels on cbs
Trump never signed this non-disclosure agreement and says he won’t be enforcing it and Daniels has been talking openly about their affair.

4. Oh, and Trump May Have Committed a Campaign Finance Violation with This Payment

Donald trump with a fist
It seems like he almost definitely did so. But that isn’t the point right now.

5. What IS the Point Right Now?

Stormy daniels in a jersey
Explicitly, how Daniels described the President’s unit. She gets into GROSS detail about it in this book. Are you ready to read it? Are you certain?

6. Okay. Here It Is:

Stormy daniels cleavage selfie
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…”

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Two-Pump Trump: Stormy Daniels Says Prez Sucks in Bed, Wants to Bang Ivanka

As President of the United States, Donald Trump has a historically low job approval rating, having never once topped 50 percent.

According to adult film actress and frequent Trump foil Stormy Daniels, his performance in the sack also leaves a lot to be desired.

In an interview published Tuesday in Vogue, Daniels – who famously alleges a 2006 tryst with Trump – opens up about their encounter.

Well, what little there was of it, anyway.

“How many details can you really give about two minutes?” she says, asked by the magazine to describe boning Trump.

When the interviewer asked if it was really just two minutes, Daniels wasn’t sure, adding: “Maybe. I’m being generous.”

Damn. That’s gotta hurt, Donnie.

We suppose it’s not altogether shocking. Trump doesn’t spend much time working nowadays, prefering to watch TV and use Twitter.

Two minutes is an eternity for him to pay attention to anything, and living such a sad, lonely sedentary lifestyle can’t be good for virility.

In any case, the porn star – who is famously suing Trump and his lawyer Michael Cohen – has never shied away from calling him out.

Their affair, which allegedly took place after a celebrity golf tournament, and not long after he married Melania, was … boring, she says.

“It was textbook generic,” she said of the sexual experience. “It wasn’t like, ‘Oh my God, I love you.’ He wasn’t like Fabio or anything.”

Regarding Trump’s relationship with Melania, Daniels says that Trump told her not to worry about his life … well, that aspect of it.

One thing Trump loves to talk about is his hot daughter Ivanka, to whom he likened Stormy. That’s gotta be flattering … or creepy.

“He bragged about his daughter [Ivanka] quite a bit though. He was very proud of her, which is nice,” Stormy recalls.

“He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, someone beautiful and smart like his daughter,” Daniels added.

“I guess that’s a compliment.” 

This is a guy who mused about his other daughter Tiffany Trump’s boobs when she was an infant, so it’s something, alright.

Stormy claims that Trump was somewhat star-struck in meeting her, and even asked for an autograph after their encounter.

Dear Donnie, that was the least exciting 45 seconds of my life, but hey, it’s tough without a condom. Love, Stormy xo

The blowback from Trump’s affair with Daniels has lasted a hell of a lot longer than he does in bed, as evidenced by last week.

His former lawyer, Cohen, now admits paying off Daniels in the weeks before the 2016 election to keep quiet about the affair.

Saying that he did so at the direction of Trump, Cohen pleaded guilty to felony charges and faces several years behind bars.

Daniels took a victory lap, and with the help of her ubiquitous lawyer Michael Avenatti, we’re guessing it won’t be her last.

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Stormy Daniels Dunks on Michael Cohen Following Plea Deal

As you’ve likely heard by now, Tuesday was not exactly a banner day for the Trump administration.

The afternoon saw news that former campaign chair Paul Manafort had been convicted on eight counts of fraud, the most serious of which carry maximum sentences of 30 years in prison.

The second blow came shortly thereafter, with reports that another of the president’s former confidantes might also headed for the slammer.

Attorney Michael Cohen turned on Trump and pled guilty to eight counts of violating federal campaign law.

The president has hinted at pardoning Cohen in the past, but is now attempting to distance himself from his longtime personal lawyer, tweeting:

“If anyone is looking for a good lawyer, I would strongly suggest that you don’t retain the services of Michael Cohen!”

Needless to say, it’s all very distressing if you’re one of the president’s supporters … and rather hilarious if you’re one of his enemies.

Stormy Daniels is at the center of the Cohen situation, and considering the extent to which she’s been attacked and villainized by Trump and his supporters, it should come as no surprise that she decided to indulge in a little light gloating last night.

“How ya like me now?!” Daniels tweeted, adding the hashtag #teamstormy.

She didn’t go into any detail with regard to what she’s referring to — but of course, she didn’t need to.

Daniels’ high-profile attorney, Michael Avenatti, also seized the opportunity to spike the football a bit, tweeting: 

“We. Are. Coming,” Avenatti himself tweeted Wednesday afternoon. “We are going to end this dumpster fire of a presidency one way or another.”

In a statement issued to NBC News Daniels stated that she felt “vindicated”

“Michael [Avenatti] and I are vindicated and we look forward to the apologies from the people who claimed we were wrong,” Daniels said.

It’s worth noting that Cohen never named Trump in court documents, but instead stated that he was acting on the behest of “a candidate for federal office.”

Shortly after news of the plea deal went public, however, Cohen’s lawyer, Lanny Davis, tweeted that his client “stood up and testified under oath that Donald Trump directed him to commit a crime.”

So yeah, we think it’s safe to say “the candidate” wasn’t Jill Stein.

Something tells us Stormy will has a lot more vindication coming her way.

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